I have issues.

Growing up, it was fleeting online chats that never stayed. My longest relationship was 6y irl but it was vanilla and my abuse needs were hardly met. I felt like I was pretending to have a normal life; it bored me. Towards the end I just reverted into my old ways; temporary online relationships that never evolved. Online abuse to keep myself satiated and sane until I had to break up with him.

Some reasons, I feel it's better for me. They don't stay long enough to see how damaged I am and it stays a positive experience for both. I don't want to be seen but I think in my "older" years, it would be nice to have a partner. But honestly, I feel too broken for that.

I'm not even sure someone can understand my needs enough for me to be comfortable in a partnership. "I need to be abused, no not like that, please don't treat me like a human until I need to be but you should know when that is too." Fucking complicated.

I'm so full of emotions and I can't stand it most days. I'm lonely but I can't stand company for that long; I want to hide.

Edit: idk what I'm looking for posting this, mostly just needed to vent.