i was groomed by a guy for four years until he offed himself around a year ago today. no note or anything. it destroyed me and i've found no one similar since. he was so smart, he went to college for writing and was a poet. i want to say with full certainty that he loved me, but stockholm syndrome is probably interfering with that anyway. he was so gentle with me for all those years, it ruined me to find out he died.

i've talked to & met up with so many men since and it does nothing for me, there is no connection like what we had and it kills me. i'd do anything to be someone's secret little angel again, but now that im older, men just throw me out. i was trained to be good, i know how to listen. i just want one more chance to fantasize about roadtrips and watch old 50s movies and drink milkshakes and feel like im wanted again. im always chasing it & never finding it :(