For context: I am a 24-year-old man(?) living in Northern Ireland. I am diagnosed with ADHD and high-functioning autism. I am a self-aware overthinker which is a double-edged that can sometimes lead me to debate myself in circles and make me indecisive.

Growing up, I kind of knew what transgenderism was, but I never had any real exposure to it, it wasn’t something on my mind. Then, one day, roughly around 2018 or 2019, I saw a particular video with a trans woman in it. Something in my head kind of clicked.

I remember thinking something along the lines of: “You can’t tell she’s trans just by looking at her; Either you’d have to be told, or you’d have to see what’s between her legs.”

And then, a question popped into my head: “Could I look like that?”

I started thinking back on myself. I remembered the first time I heard of the “Gender Swap Coffin” in Dark Souls 2; I remember it made me fascinated by the idea of being able to change sex, being able to see what it would be like, I even remember asking a friend something akin to “Is there a way for a man to grow breasts?”. I started thinking about how from a young age I always preferred playing a female character in a video games over a male one, even in first-person or text-based games.

Of course, a lot of this, at least to me, feels like very surface-level, circumstantial stuff. There’s no reason any of this would have to imply I’m trans. On the other hand, even if it doesn’t have to, it still might. It feels a bit silly, though, trying to reach a conclusion based on my video gaming habits and some random questions that could actually just be curiosity.

Which is why I bring up the fact that this started in 2018, because the question “could I be trans?” regularly still pops into my head.

I’m definitely not dysphoric, if I understand the term correctly; If my body stayed the way it is now till the day I died, I don’t think it would cause me too much stress. But when I think about what sort of body I would pick if I could have any body I wanted, I think something a little shorter, a little more slender, no body or facial hair but longer head hair. I think softer features; a little more feminine, I suppose, maybe even outright female.

I like to think I don’t care too much about gender stereotypes or pronouns, but I have found myself wondering what it might be like to have a different name, use she/her pronouns, experiment.

I’ve never been the best at reading my own emotions. Whenever these thoughts pop back into my head, I can’t pin down if I’m excited by the prospect that I might be trans, anxious because I think I might not be, or fearful of change and the unknown.

I feel like I need a second opinion, or at least to hear somebody else’s experience, but I don’t actually know anyone that is trans at the moment, so I figure I would ask people on the internet who might have more experience than me.

Not sure what specifically I’m even looking for here. Maybe opinions. Maybe anecdotes. Maybe just some reference points I can use the gain clarity.