Does anyone have social anxiety and/or a reluctance to dress up en femme even in private? Somehow over the last several years, I have lost a lot of confidence.

I have stopped going to the local transgender support group. I give myself hours and hours to femme up for it (and I even have a girlfriend willing to do my make-up for me). But when I get to the point where I've shaved my face and showered and it's time to get dressed, I either get unbearably nervous and/or I manifest these strong headaches. I think the headaches are a defense mechanism, my inner critic subconsciously trying to protect me from rejection. If I'm in too much pain to leave the house, no one can see and reject my girl self. I hate going in boy mode and introducing myself with my female name. I feel like a fraud, especially when most everyone else is dressed and looking good.

I would really like to be able to attend the trans events that are 90 minutes away. Those ladies don't just have meetings. They go out, dance, and have fun. I got to hang with them after Pride one year. But it's going to take a lot of baby steps to get to that point.

I put a lot of my female self on the back burner about six years ago to deal with family drama. And then it kept going. And my place in the family is to be quiet and supportive and not make waves (for instance, not wear nail polish to the family business, especially in boy mode). I miss the girl who was brave enough to wear nail polish 24/7 (even if that doesn't feel like an option now). I miss the girl who felt beautiful and didn't care so much how much "more" beautiful everyone else looked. I miss the feminine joy of that side being more a part of my life. As Bob Dylan said, "I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now."

I feel like the laziest crossdresser/bi-gender girl. It feels like i am too tired to dress after work half the time or I don't even think about it (ADD is a bitch) or I'm strict with myself about only dressing when I'm clean shaven (though some of the people on here are proving to me you can have facial hair and be cute as hell in girl clothes). And my perfectionism and fear of failure have kept me from learning how to do my own make-up and caused me to forget what I used to know. (Again, inner critic and subconscious. If I had the freedom to go out en femme any time I wanted, I might get in "trouble" or get hurt or something.)

I've made a commitment to give the Josie part of myself at least 30 minutes a day to do whatever she wants. It's part of me bringing her back to life.