Hey Community,

this is basically a TLDR of a 200 page essay. I tried to keep it short and fun to read. I need to tell my story, I no longer believe that it is "dangerous for the trans case" as people made me believe 20 years ago, quite the contrary. I would love your opinions. Just, what do you think after reading that? I sincerely need an outside perspective for my own sanity. Grateful for anyone who pitches in.

I am a 40yo transwoman who socially transitioned at 13yo in state care, at that time I had to wait to be 18 before I could access any medical procedures, puberty blockers were not yet common. I spent my whole puberty as a girl full time, including school and everything. I had a great trans community and a Queer mentoring program in my city supporting me. Upon becoming 18 everything was set up for hormones and surgery, everything was arranged. I canceled the medical transition at the last minute. Nobody liked that. The three responsible psychiatrist suffered professional ridicule and couldn't figure out what went wrong and the trans community exiled me, I was labeled a "traitor" and "dangerous for the trans case as a whole", "Whatever you say, you are just going back into the closet!" was the last thing I ever heard. That hurt, badly, since I was still trans. I never doubted that I am a woman, there is no two ways about it. I just decided that I would be fine as a woman in a XY body. You see, if I was AFAB, I would have been a lesbian feminist punk rock chick who owns a roadie trucking company and knocks your teeth in if you say anything sexist around her. Thats kinda exactly what I was, but in an XY body and working stage security instead of trucking. I had and still suffer severe dysphoria, but it is somewhat less body centric than I know from the community. I like my athletic build, I like my broad shoulders, I miss breasts, but not that much, I even like my pornstar sized girl d in a way, sometimes at least. And I am a very sexual creature, a total slut, I don't mind the bigger dating pool. As long as I am not strictly seen as a man, I thought I could make it work, I had a fully feminine habitus, was wearing female clothes, called myself a woman. I continued with my social transition, though dropped the breast prosthesis, decided I will make my own way. Well I did, but getting older made passing impossible, I started to look like a badly aging crossdressing rock star, and everyone just assumed I was a gay man. The dysphoria kicked in badly, I was in a dark place closing in on thirty. A lot of terrible stuff happened in my life and it seemed a necessary evil to tone down my gender expression. I kept remembering the parting words of my dearest friends about the closet. F me. They were right. It was morbidly fascinating, it felt like I am doing a FTM transition, searching on google how to be a man. It worked, I allegedly had still "gay vibes" but damn society loves you when you fit in. Even if it makes you suffocate and wither on the inside and the dysphoria is a chronic pain they have no pill for. For a decade I pushed everything trans away. Until the german Self-Determination Act came along this year, me still being a citizen it was a no brainer to instantly apply. I was euphoric. I told everyone, partners, friends, colleagues, my boss, and their dog, they should enjoy my future deadname for the next year, because I am getting a new gender Identity and that name will be gone for good. Without medically transitioning! I won! I was so euphoric, I didn't even anticipate that people would be surprised. You see, nowadays I look like a ripped metalhead with a full beard and shaved head. And I kept my trans past locked up tight. A feminist man, a queer and trans ally, who inexplicably really understands women, and gives handbags as birthday presents that actually fit the presentee perfectly. I started to evade, saying that I reject the notion of gender and want to make a statement. Then I said that I have never identified with any gender. Then I took the Non-Binary community seriously and said, I identify as Enby, I have strong female and male traits. The closet didn't open, it exploded. I got myself a new wardrobe, went back to my natural female habitus, asked people to call me she/her if they like and value me. All within 2024. The Enby identity gave me pause to reconcile with my past, it made suddenly sense to me why I never transitioned. I solved it! I was happy at long last. I was no traitor, I don't need to be ashamed. I took the time to work through my whole biography to figure out my Non-Binary self. Here I am. Writing this post to share with you what I had to admit to myself today: I am a woman, tragically not Non-Binary. I should have transitioned. But the closet is gone now. So I could maybe transition now? But I am 40yo. I have built a life here. My wife is struggling with the Enby stuff already. Why would I go through this now? I want to. But do I really need to? I don't want to rebuild my life again. I could assume the Enby label. That might be enough to make me happy. Am I just prolonging the inevitable, again? Haven't I learned anything? Or I just completely lost my mind. Time will tell which subreddit will hear more of me r/trans or r/NonBinary. Thank you for listening.