I'm in so much pain, for the first time in years, why do I feel like I'm doing so 'well' presenting and living as my birth assigned gender for so long then suddenly for a solid month or 2 I'm grappling with every emotion possible in regards to wanting to be the woman that I feel I am in my heart and soul. I just push all those feelings and pain down until they bubble back up to the surface and I experience a mental and emotional reckoning about once a year.

I hate this. I want to cry. Every time I'm out with my male friends, drinking in masculine bars, forcing myself to be as loud and boisterous as them to fit in I wake up the next morning feeling sick. Im sick of wearing a mask, I'm not like them, I don't think I've ever been able to actually relate to another man in my life but I have to pretend to and I don't know how much longer I can. Sorry for the vent, I know I'm not the only person going through this I just wish I could be who I am.