I’m gonna put a trigger warning for mentions of self harm and mortality talk as this post is a lil dark but I need advice. So here’s the thing, my grandmother has be super supportive of me as a trans woman. Even going as far as to help me with women’s fashion and no longer byes me men’s clothes. (Exception being if I specifically ask for men’s clothes for cosplay or because I need something more utilitarian. I.e. military uniform surplus for Airsoft.) she is accepting of the fact that I do believe in the Norse and Shinto gods, she does occasionally make comments about “I hope you see the light and realize the 1 true god,” but it’s never out of malice or trying to dissuade me from my own religious beliefs and practices. And she’s accepting of the fact I’m gynosexual (I identify more with the term lesbian personally.) which means she’s accepting of who my partner is regardless of what gender they are. Like I once dated a femboy for a short time who identified as a man pretty recently. And we set in stone that I was dating a man at the time who identified as a femboy as well as a man. She’s accepting of me in almost everyway which sometimes surprises me cause she’s one of the few Christian’s that’s so devout that she isn’t a pos. She doesn’t even give me the “well the Bible says you’ll burn in hell,” bull that a lot of Christian’s love to recite to lgbt people. And top that with she stepped up not only as a grandmother but as a guardian too. To this day If celebrate Mother’s Day it’s always for her and not my pod step mom. If I haven’t made it clear I have a lot of respect cause too me this woman has gone above and beyond to deserve it. What my issue is is the fact that every night I can’t stop thinking of the fact that she might die soon. She’s in good health and manages her medical conditions. So it’s not like she’ll randomly have a heart attack on the floor. But she’s almost 80. And well I get that many people think about a elderly loved one dying for xy reasons, but I can’t stop thinking of it cause she’s probs the most supportive person in my family. And I’m scared of loosing her and being even more alone than I already am. I try to bs myself and say I’m used to it. My dad died, his mom died, I lost half of my friends cause they were anti military, while the rest turned there back on me cause they were anti trans. It’s wierd cause I’ve facedown the end of a rifle ready to end it all, not scared of what came next or of my own mortality. But when it comes to someone I love even if I have no grounds to be worried, their mortality terrifies me. I’ve been alone for as long as I could remember. And anymore I’m scared of being completely alone again. Does anyone have advice?