It’s hard to articulate my thoughts as they’re a bit all over the place. I suffer from depression and anxiety and had been in a great place these past weeks but some bad news has put me on the edge of spiralling. I’m trying to keep that good place and push past it, but I’m worried I’ll be back to square one.

As often happens, the unrelated bad news brought up everything else.

I’m not on HRT. The thought of going to a doctor and telling them things just horrifies me. There’s no way I can do that. So I spend hours sometimes looking at DIY methods. Reading about what combos people are taking, their effects, the online pharmacies. I see women and think how I’d love to look like her. I look at the clothes I might buy. Imagine what life would be like.

I still don’t know if it’s even what I want. Sometimes I’m sure. Sometimes I think it’s just a sexual fantasy. Sometimes I don’t think about it at all.

I’m envious of people who can do this. I don’t want to be.

There’s no path for me.

I can’t go to the doctor. My family will know if I get a parcel and will ask questions when it’s from some weird country if I use an online pharmacy.

I can’t move away right now, and don’t want to anyway. I know my family would support me, but the anxiety still fills me with dread about them knowing.

And I worry a lot about infertility. I want children, but can’t afford to freeze sperm.

Or am I just making excuses, suggesting it’s not what I want at all.

I’m sorry for the negativity. I see so many positive messages here. So many people who are happy. You’re amazing and wonderful. I just wanted to vent and feel miserable for a few minutes.