This is the story of my first night out lol before I start I wasnt fully out at this point, even now I've gotten far more confident but I still have not gotten over coming out at work... it feels silly still having to mask at work but whatever that's another rant aha this one is about the time I literally had to face every single one of my fears! It was my first night out at a bar as April!

It was a trans friendly night at a dingy bar right downtown and i got talked into coming along by a friend I met at a kink positive group aha. She was greaaat but she was intense!! And I was terrified..

I walked in and I realized I had to show the bouncer my ID... shit... in my ID I have a beard... kinda a big one... it was years old and I immediately panic... the big bald tattood dude looks at the ID... looks at my dolled up face shrugs and let's me in... at this point I wanted to bail so bad. I think the only reason I stayed is because the dude had my ID lol... anyways I make it in... well actually I think it was more people were coming down the street and I didnt wanna be perceived so I ran inside aha

First dude I see in like this dark dingy lighting looks like someone I knew. A friend I cowrote a paper with in grad school and I go all white... like fuck fuvk fyvk fuvkkkk

I rush to the bathroom and break down crying aha... before I realized I was in a stall in the womens bathroom... I've literally never been in a womens bathroom ever... girls were doing their make up and chatting outside my stall and I froze and couldn't get myself to leave... I've been told by many at this point that I was really passable but still the thought of someone calling me out made me wanna cry and I did and I called an uber and when it got quiet in the bathroom i ran out the back and went home...

I had a full blown panic attack.... even the uber was a mistake a aha bc I realized my picture on the app had me as a guy too and the guy didnt believe me till he spun around and got a good look at me lol fun... anyways I'm home now crying... I felt so so stipid... but i also worked reallly reallly reallly realllllly hard on my outfit aha so I wanted to salvage the night.

I took a chance i figured if my friend saw me all dressed up he'd say something right... so I called him. I said he buddy I'm over at ---- come grab a drink and he says hey buddy no I'm at home with a broken arm so maybe another time. I let out suuuuch a deep sigh. Even he was like are you alright buddy... and I tried to recover and say yea sorryy not related aha I dont think I did but he didnt bring it up so I let it go.

I eventually said fuck this and booked an old school cab back to the bar like I did the first time and walked back in and ordered like 3 shots immediately!

My friend sees me and shes so so excited and I go on to meet the coolest people ever!!!!!!! Turns out the guy i thought was my friend was I'm fact a trans man with a glorious beard aha and i felt so so stupid. I even chatted with some new friends in the womens bathroom about the whole ordeal earlier and it kinda felt natural. Everyone was so nice and inviting and I had a great time!!!

Oh by the way I sang Tennessee whiskey and nailed it aha and even had my new friends walk me home 😊

Moral of the story... make up is too fuvking expensive to waste aha take a shot and go make some new friends