Background: I am MTF. I have known I was trans for over a decade now. I am closeted and only get to be my true self at home (at night, on weekends, at safe events with friends, etc).

My chronic migraines got worse in September and led to a deeper depression. I began to feel like, “If I’m always going to be in this much physical pain, I’ll never be able to do the things I want with my life including transitioning.” It’s probably the closest I’ve ever come to detransitioning and giving up on the feminine part of myself.

Since then, I’ve done very little to nurture the feminine part of myself outside of listening to romantic novels on Audible and listening to feminine music. A transgender retreat that I would usually sign up for in a heartbeat is coming up in April and I’m probably not going to go because my heart is just not in it. (I’m not completely sure what is holding me back. Depression is part of it. And fears about prejudice in the current political climate.) I haven’t practiced make-up in months. I never dress up anymore. (With my ADD, I forget to do it when I get home.)

There’s a perfectionism tied up in my gender presentation. (It may be part of my gender dysphoria.). Like, I don’t accept myself as feminine unless I’m shaved, made up, dressed up, etc. Like fully presenting as female. But it takes so much planning and prep (shaving, etc). It helps if I have a certain event to go to en femme. A play, a support meeting, a movie, a party, etc. It’s actually on the calendar and sort of forces me to get into girl mode.

Over the past few years, I was going to movies and events as my female self. I did things like having a photo shoot done and getting some really beautiful photos of myself out of it. I was loving myself, having fun, and living life.

Now, I am skipping events I would usually femme up for. Or going in boy mode. I don’t want to let my girlfriend do my makeup and I don’t know why. Being en femme for a week in April sounds like a lot of work. All the prep and maintenance required.

I just don’t know how to honor my female self and recapture that joy and momentum. I feel like I’m not fighting for her and I hate that. Looking for any suggestions or advice including the things that bring you joy/gender euphoria. (I try to give my feminine self at least 30 min a day but that’s just been audiobooks for a long time.)