I’m 43 transfemme. Have had FFS, hair transplants and am undergoing electrolysis. Have been on HRT for a bit over two years. Transition has overall been amazing. But I did have a really hard time healing from FFS, I became conscious briefly about three times during the procedure of FFS and haven’t really had any therapy to come to terms with that. I struggle to discuss it with other trans people because while that experience was horrific, FFS has also changed my life in such a positive way, I don’t want to put people off from getting it. I would go back and do it again despite that. Although I still get nightmares, and I find the pain of electro pretty hard to deal with and triggers me. I’ve also noticed over the last year that sexual intercourse is becoming increasingly less enjoyable. I love my partner, she has a good sex drive and is very caring and attentive to my needs, but I’m becoming frustrated that in order for me to climax it generally happens if I use my body in a male way. That then gives me dysphoria and it’s hit and miss whether I lose arousal. I often feel gross after or during. I’ve been thinking more and more about bottom surgery.
But I am so scared of more medical procedures. When I research the techniques, the videos are so graphic and scary. When I think about having to dilate after such major surgery it gives me chills. I’m scared I will be conscious again, scared of the healing process, scared I won’t like the sensation of penetration after I’m healed.
I’m scared my partner will lose interest in me physically. I’m scared I will cease to want sex at all. I don’t know what to do. It seems like going ahead with surgery when I’m not 100% ready would be a mistake. But I’m also so deeply unhappy with the way I have to use my body. I hate that I can’t wear the clothes I like. So I’m stuck in this limbo.

Has anyone else been here? Doesn’t anyone have any advice for me? I’m probably not as informed about things as I should be because I clam up whenever the subject comes up. And the thought of the procedure scares me so much.

Any advice would be welcome