I am amab. I grew up male, but never felt that it was correct. I’m slightly effeminate and always got called names and hated for it. There is nothing but negative reinforcement about it. Yet, I got mistaken for being a girl/female a few times growing up. I had a good set of hips and a big bubble butt in my younger years. I still have it, but more of the masc/male traits took over and cleared any confusion for the cis-hetero-men. I have a softer voice, and have many times been called “m’am” over the phone. Not in a malicious way, just mistaken or leaning to having it on their mind, and it comes out vocally before they catch themselves. I have identified as “gay” because that made sense then. Btw, I’m almost 53 now. What I am exactly is so unknown to me at this point. Have been acknowledging these feelings and my disgust at mirrors and photos. I’m actually 6’ tall and fairly masc presenting, as I can’t help what genetics has done to me. I fought forever to accept who I was, and who I am to this day. It’s sad to know that there was a potential in my younger years to correct the differences in image versus knowing, but I did not know it was even a possibility until in my twenties. I’m a kid of the 70s..yes, the 1900s! From the very Deep South of the U.S. Transitioning wasn’t an option for me for many years from absolute lack of knowing, and from what society was doing at the time, like now, i was terrified. I am realizing all that trauma now, and that I have lived with it all my life as the “norm.” That makes me want to cry even now. Forward, I quibble that I am half male-minded and half female-minded. I took some androgynous written test for one’s mind years ago in college. On a scale that went from -5 to 5 that noted the feminine and masculine disposition of one, I scored a perfect “0.” I’m in some therapy now dealing with the depression and anxiety (who isn’t?). We’ve talked a bit about the gender dysmorphia. The confusion I have at this point in my life is a circus. I am in a caring and stable relationship with a steady and firmly ‘real gay man,’ for 20 years. I’ve talked to him. He knows, but like most of us he gets what he sees, and listens to how I feel. All of this has been backstory, and sorry for taking so long. I always try to explain myself before I ever get to the point..! But here I am. 52, hairy and wishing I was smooth so doing laser some now. Wishing I was more female, but feeling stuck for all my own brainwashing/acceptance. Having gay sex while knowing fully aware that it isn’t perfectly fulfilling. A climax is not the same as fulfillment. I can’t destroy my entire life at this point. It has taken me forever to get here! To this point. Without hating my body or myself. To be beyond considering unaliving myself. To also, want to not upend my whole life and lose the love of my life. Who would lose his if I even tried to transition. He loves me as I am, but he doesn’t realize how more or less of this body I am. I’m no longer youthful and cute, just gray and effeminate. I will wear heels when I get an excuse. I have skincare instead of makeup, even though I have that too. And what I really want to get at is this: is it unheard of to want to be somewhere in the middle? I want more female aspects, but not lose all I have now. It is physically impossible to have a vagina and a penis both in fully functioning working conditions isn’t it? I would love breasts instead of chest (even had leaky nipples as a teen.. told normal phase). I would love to feel that full completion feeling of the physical. It’s a form of trans, but not fully to female or woman as far as possible. Am I really disturbed and lost? Is anyone else here too? HRT was offered, but I refused it, and this social climate does not encourage me to act upon it. I’m already mortified by what I see and hear. What can anyone tell me? I am sincère so please, be kind. Have mercy. TIA. I need the guidance and perspectives.