Alrighty, here it is. All my thoughts. I'm super lost at this point in my life. I know that I want to transition, so much that my heart hurts. Let's start over. Hi, my name is Kay. I'm 36 yrs old now. I've been happily married to my amazing wife and best friend for 9 years. We have an amazing 8 year old daughter. I am loved very much. My wife knows my story, and supports all of my needs and desires. Nobody else in this life so far knows what she does. I'm very close with my mom and 3 sisters(32, 33 and 38). I have a close small group of friends. In our lives we've always been connected to lgbtq people, close family and friends etc. But I, myself, I have always been viewed as something I'm not, because I am very good at blending in. The world sees me as a very male, motorcycle riding, auto mechanic, bro brother son dad and husband.. I have known that I was different from a very young age, square peg round hole scenario. I started dressing up in second grade. And I was heartbroken when I realized how I felt, that I knew something was wrong. It took quiet a long time to really put that together, I think it was 5th grade that I had a real grasp on what was what. I knew I loved girls, but also knew that I was dying slowly inside because I was and still am, in my heart and soul, a women. The summer between 6th and 7th I tried to end it unsuccessfully. I didn't want to live as a boy anymore. My mom found me hanging, on my tippy toes with a slightly too long rope. She was mad and confused. I lied my ass off, I never gave a real reason. I knew at that point I couldn't survive myself if I kept feeding my true wants, so I got pretty good at blending in. I still dressed in my alone time as often as I could. Nobody ever knew. I wasn't like the other boys tho, I had no interest in sports, or group activities. I spent a lot of time alone. The years passed, I survived. I found that I loved to work with my hands, and that I felt better working on things I could fully control. Cars, motorcycles etc. For a while I really did think, maybe I outgrew my childhood feelings. I dropped out of high school the day I turned 16. I hated school, I just wanted to be away from all of the kids. I was so happy to go to work. Finally had some money, my own cars, and could be my own person. Then a couple years later I turned the legal age to go into adult shops. That's when it all came back. Went in to look at porn and dildos, found myself dying inside again, because all I wanted in that stupid shop was this mini skirt on a display mannequin. I bought a small stash of lady wear, it was great. I could keep it a secret still, lounge around the house at night the way I wanted, keep my sanity. More years went by, I lived, I partied a bit, worked alot, slept around and had some heartbreak. The whole time thinking that someday I would move away, start my transition and be my true self. Then I went to college, and met my now wife. I love her very much, she's my other half. I shared every part of my life with her from the beginning.. except for the small part where my soul ended up in the wrong body.. I feared that I would lose her, even tho I knew our connection was much more than external. I finally had a major coming apart this last year, I didn't want to hide it from her any longer. I don't cry, like ever. It had been literally over a decade. But that night I sobbed with her holding my hand. I told her everything, the whole time I felt that it would be the beginning of the end of us. I was wrong. I think I'm one of the lucky ones so far. At this point she has made it very clear, no matter what I am on the outside, she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. It was the biggest weight off of my heart getting it out. She is amazing. Now, since then, I have been able to enjoy some small things that I used to hide. I'll do my nails sometimes, letting my hair grow out, I can wear bits of jewelry that I have always wanted. But, I do this on the dl from the rest of the world still. My few friends family and coworkers just think I'm being a goof. If they only knew how good it feels to openly do my nails. So, now I'm here. Lots of mixed emotions. Lots of possibilities for my future. Doors opening that I thought would be locked my entire life. I'm still mortified at the thought of telling my family, my friends and putting this on my kidlet. But I still very much so am a female at heart. If I can, I want to transition. I'm late to my life, and still very early in my steps to blooming into my true self. I'm scared. And excited. I think I'll spend the next year slowly changing my lifestyle to accommodate who I really am. Hopefully begin hrt sooner than later. I have a long road. I am hesitantly ready lol. If you made it this far, thank you for helping me feel less alone. Reading some of your experiences has made my days easier. Thank you for hearing me