I attempted to kill myself about 2-3 months ago, 7-8 times within the span of a week and i was placed in a outpatient program and im doing better ig but i just, i have moments where everything just fucks me up and i brush over my scars on my arm and wrist and feel so broken and shattered and marred and like im not even worth it anymore. I hate my body so much and i hate the fact that i can have what i want my body to be without fucking up relationships or life or anything and im so so so fucking scared. Im terrified of the implications of going outside sometimes and i love the outdoors so i still go but i just feel so awful and i want to hurt myself so bad sometimes. I punched a brick wall full force the other day just to punish myself for being alive and i fucking still feel my knuckles cracking and seizing up a little. I just feel like im such a pathetic mess of useless garbage