i started transitioning in high school but my parents were so wired and fake supportive about it that it got to be too much and i backpedaled so they’d be able to love me how they wanted to. i regret detransitioning, but to transition now would feel inauthentic. i don’t know who i am. nothing affirms my gender, but being referred to as ‘they’ feels not quite right. nowhere feels like the right direction. no name i choose sticks forever. the concept of self is a memory. i don’t know where to go from here and poetry doesn’t patch holes in hope. when i was younger, i had every answer. i knew exactly who to be. how does life just end? payson, i’m sorry i buried you. emma, in another life, this was it. i don’t know who comes next. maybe someday someone will stick. until then, i will wear whatever face i can.