I'm pretty tired (and, honestly speaking, should probably be asleep by now), so forgive me if I don't communicate this well. The feeling something I've been thinking about, and I'm not sure if it's just me.

There are two communities I would, hypothetically, look for sexual partners in. In the gay community, there's an extreme amount of emphasis on cocks attached to very masculine bodies. In the bisexual community, it's cocks and breasts, as well as ass, which is....not my strong suit:(. Even in heterosexual society that's seemingly what people find attractive. That, and having a body that confirms to sex norms. I have none of the above, and it's kind of messing with me to a degree I didn't anticipate. After top, I often felt haunted by the idea that my breasts were the only form of sexual and social "currency" I had as a non-conforming body. I hated having breasts, but I felt (and feel) to a degree that it's all I "had to offer", and that they were the only thing about me that people could feel attraction for. That's not true, obviously, but this feeling still manifests as a lingering sense of inadequacy in the back of my mind when watching porn or encountering other people's sexuality.

Feeling undesirable or inadequate is a very common experience for everyone, not just trans people, but I feel like there's more to it than that. Cis people can, at the least, be assured that they have the very equipment to be found desirable and acceptable, if not valuable in that sense. It doesn't seem like (in my own praxis of sexual "value" that I've been taught) it's possible for society to consider post-top men as sexual beings - without the "active" markers of sexuality, i.e. breasts, penises, what have you, it could be construed as having nothing there to present a partner with. This puts me, in my own mind, in a difficult position. Without anything to give myself "value" in the eyes of the partner, I feel I get erased from the equation entirely. I don't feel I have the right to pursue (particularly in environments like Grindr, where sending dick pics is practically mandatory), nor can I conceive of being pursued (outside of chasers - and even then, they still fail to consider a transmasculine body as anything but passive). In this mindset I've made for myself, I'm not attractive, or unattractive - I am simply null. I lack any sexual markers to judge on, so I don't exist sexually. I guess the issue is that I haven't found a way to conceive of myself sexually yet without resorting to cissexist standards (which is funny, considering that I do and often find other trans men attractive).

Whether that's actually a real social thing as I describe it or just me sublimating a desire to be a more active participant in my own sexuality is yet to be seen. Maybe this is a product of spending too much time jacking off by myself. Maybe this is a weird remnant of transphobia hanging out in my brain. Maybe I'm just secretly a top and mad about it. Maybe I should buy a strap-on and go fuck a pumpkin or something. That would be fun. I think maybe what I actually need to do is crawl out of my hovel and actually go speak other trans people, or (gasp!) even engage other trans people sexually, but... blech. I guess what I'm really asking for is additional thoughts. I don't know if this post makes any sense or gets my point across, but if anyone knows of any literature, theory, whatever about this, has personal experience with this, thoughts, strap-on recommendations, anything, everything, please let me know. Thank you for reading.