At this point I guess I am just seeking validity from strangers on the internet? I think.

I’ve had, like most of us, a very large lack of support from family especially my parents. I’m 31, constant thoughts of suicide ever since I was around 12-13.

Sparing a long typed out story as I have drafted this about 6 times now at 2am. Unforeseen circumstances, financial woes, ended up back living with mother, out of home state. As she always states “You always have a home here with me.”

Making changes to better my life, learn new skills to jump into a new field. Injured myself to the point to leave my field of 10 years (veterinary & animal care)

That all being said, Mother has always played victim, proven time & time again she doesn’t actually care about me or my siblings. Just wants forgiveness in case of a rapture I guess. Always been one to “Look at this thing I did for you that one time! I do so much for you” Growing up when my parents split every time dad picked us up she would blatantly say “Tell your father to send me money” At one point cashed in mine & my brothers savings bonds. With full knowledge but too young to do anything about it or understand.

So I have begun trying to explain how I have felt unloved & unsupported through my life & be honest. Explaining how she wasn’t there emotionally or financially for any of us. That I clawed my way through doing everything I can i.e. paying off my student loans with no help from my parents, buying my own vehicle, selling instruments & whatever of value to make ends meet. It’s a constant battle of “Listen to hear, not to speak” with her where she hyper focuses on one point ignoring the rest & then pulls the classic “Yup you’re right I’m a shitty mom. I am the worst” etc. without understanding. Then immediately shifts to “You can’t blame me for how your life turned out, I own my mistakes” which is certainly untrue she blames everyone else.

There is much more to this but trying to summarize, I don’t have anywhere to go. No friends, no other family members to turn to. Both parents & their families are shit. Dad is a whole other bag of cats.

I can’t even express my emotions & how I feel even as an adult. Am I just victimizing myself? Am I the real problem here? I feel incredibly alone & know I am trying to do things as fast as I can to get out & away from all this. I always feel like I am a burden on everyone & even today thought about finding someone to care for my dog & just ending it all. Why do I feel like I am the sole problem & this is all my fault? Last time I voiced my emotions at my father with 15 he wouldn’t look at me & just dismissed me bawling my eyes out in front of a therapist. Maybe I am the problem. Sorry for the long winded post, this was the short version.