Let me just preface this. Not all of them are complete douchebags. Just certain ones on my dad's side of the family. They're pretty much the same as they have been. When I talk to them on the phone these uncles are cold, mechanical, analytical, etc. They try to do these faux caring moments that feel really off to me. Just to sort of lure me in to this sense of security. I feel like I am a pretty good judge of what's genuine and it just feels so weird. One uncle in particular didn't just go through a major shift from February until now. I don't believe that. I've been going through some shifts myself through self help and spirituality over the course of several years. I still have some improvement to make but I have actually improved. I asked if this one uncle wanted a signature from this one celebrity since I was at a convention. The uncle said "while I like his art I want YOUR signature." My aunt pretty much said the same thing. I feel like she's his parrot/puppet. Why wouldn't I want to give my signature to my uncle? It's because if I send something it will have my address on it. The only thing I can send without my address on it is a post card. Then I will get a text from this uncle saying "thanks for the post card but I wanted a letter." It feels like nothing is ever really good enough. I feel like if they have my address they'll be looking at where I live on Google Maps and stuff. I don't know. I know it sounds a bit paranoid. I'm just cautious around certain people in my family.

All I really want is to feel at peace for not talking to certain people in my family. All I want is to not feel guilty and feel like a piece of shit. It just seems like people on the outside don't understand. They think I am just holding onto some grudge that I need to just drop, forgive, and run back into "their loving arms" because they're my family. They'll just treat me the same way they did before. It's all just a ruse just to get me to soften up to put down my defenses. If I really felt like they changed it would be completely different.