Would it just make it worse? I've thought about venting and letting some of the shit out. The problem is I am afraid. I'm afraid of some of my uncles who are mentally and emotionally abusive. The last time I talked to one of them on the phone I felt like shit. I felt like I was being interrogated by the FBI for god's sake. Only to be met with "looks like much hasn't changed." A few of my uncles are very unkind, controlling, etc. They shut me down when I get "out of hand." I am just being a part of the family, being goofy like other people, etc. There's this constant contradiction. "Why aren't you engaging with the family more? Try and be a part of the family." Even if I am sitting next to one of my uncles minding my own business.This is why I don't bother to go to family functions, holidays, etc. I never can make them happy. They're always disappointed. People ask if I am going to spend the holidays with family. They ask me why I won't well this is why.

It's getting so bad that it's leaking into my subconscious. I have nightmares about my family especially my grandmother who has passed. My grandmother was physically abusive towards me. She would scratch me, swing at me, slap me, pin my arms behind my back, grab me, and physically bar the doors. She would not let me go upstairs to my room, she would lock me outside, etc. She would constantly talk shit about my mother. She would have me stay outside and work in the garden. Even when I was a full grown adult with two part time jobs "out to the garden with you I don't care if you just got out of work." She would watch me from the window. If I ever stopped I would see her shriveled miserable face through the window tapping it with her finger. She used my uncles like her little police force. My uncles would threaten to ban me from public spaces so I couldn't run away. My uncles would say things like they can read me playing mental games with me. Whenever I leveled a complaint against my grandmother I was always the one at fault. "Oh I know it's hard but ..." No, fuck you! You don't understand because you didn't have to live with her. You just justified everything she did. They never heard me out and always defended her. When she died all people talked about was how amazing she was.

I'm sure when I die my family won't give a fuck. They'll let loose and say all of the shit about me they want. A lot of my family fucking hates me. It feels like I don't exist to them. I'm a momma's child to them and they hate my mother. My mother has been one of the few people who has supported me. A lot of them could care less if I am alive or dead. I always have and always will be a black sheep and a fuck up to them. I just want to release this shit. I'm so fucking tired of it living rent free in my head.