https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=d7wjWri1AqU

I discovered this tune by accident while looking up Tom's tune Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis. It seems to be relatively unknown, so I wanted to share it. I even transcribed the lyrics as best as I could. Feel free to make corrections if you notice any.

Lyrics:

Red suit…red hat.

What's a guy like you doing out here in the cold on Christmas Eve?

But I'm….

Well, I never talk to strangers, anyway.

Well, I ain't such a bad guy once you get to know me.

On the corner of 5th & Squire A one-legged midget begged for a dollar. At least there's a way for us To spend our Christmas Eve.

Somewhere they're singing peace on Earth Somewhere they're celebr’ ‘aby Jesus' birth. Here they're celebrating Christmas With two hookers and a midget playing pool.

And the Christmas tree's on fire And no one seems to care. It's a Tom Waits Christmas.

Whores, lies, and Napoleon; a dirty pizza box. My son of a bitches put eggnog with whisky on the rocks. A champagne fooled by a real friend. Real painful my sham friends.

Burned out lights hang from the bar. Christmas tree on the piano; an empty tip jar. The piano plays in the alley And he's trying to bum a smoke— But the telephone’s out of cigarettes.

And the Christmas tree’s on fire And no one seems to care (hah). It's a Tom Waits Christmas.

Santa Claus is drunk! In the ski room on Christmas Eve. He dropped his drawers and stuck out his fat ass. We all raised a glass.

Stop me if you've heard this one. There's a hooker on the suitcase next to Mr. Watson In the alley behind an old beat up ’55 As I step outside to wrap my lips around a smoke I bummed From Loretta, a former circus performer Who's now a one-handed prostitute Who gave a one-handjob to a dirty ventriloquist Who's dressed in a tuxedo With a red rose on the lapel And he's–and he's talking to his good friend Frank DeWalnuts About hi—his favorite monkey paw salad And, uh….

Now, tell me, do you think I'm really gonna fall for that old line?

If I may ask which line you're referring to, per se? I said a lotta stuff in there. Anyway, where was I?

Well, you'll see, with our fortune teller On the Fleetwood next to a paperboy With a broken back and a wooden leg Leaning up against a light post Next to a Lincoln full of Mexicans. And I never could stand that dog.

And the prostitute’s on fire, And no one seems to care. It's a Tom Waits, a Tom Waits, Tom Waits Christmas.

One two three, one two three, one….