While expertly carving brightly colored boxes with the skill of a samurai on his first day of samurai training, I got really warm. So warm in fact, that I decided it would be a good idea to strip naked. Completely naked. I figured, why not give my boyfriend some eye candy while I flail my arms around like I’m a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man.

So there I am, beading sweat glistening off my pasty skin as it coats the walls around me in a disgusting aerosol. Then, out of nowhere, the unthinkable happens. A single box slips past my purple blade like a ghost. In one last move of desperation, I swipe low in an attempt to catch it on the back swing. Much to my surprise, I make solid contact... with my balls.

They were swinging out at the worst possible time. With a loud thud, I collapse to the ground, with the sound of my boyfriend’s laughter echoing underneath the upbeat EDM.

With iced, aching balls, I write this. Remember kids, if you’re not going to wear an athletic cup for beat saber, at least wear something to keep your boys in place, so they’re not swinging looser than an aging child pop star trying to regain relevance.

TL;DR I played beat saber naked and now my balls hurt