Here is the tale of one of the most humiliating and awful things I have ever done, something that happened 12 years ago and I have only been able to mention for the past 3 or so.

A friend of mine passed away under very unfortunate circumstances when he was 18 years old. Suffice to say it was a terrible accident. I was 16 at the time, and it was the first time I had lost a friend. It affected me terribly. I and all of our mutual friends gathered to mourn at his wake the night before the burial at a community center.

For some context, my late friend was Salish, an aboriginal tribe in British Columbia. Part of their funerary rites is to keep a sacred fire burning from the moment of death until the burial. It is called a 'spirit fire' and only purified wood and tobacco is allowed to kindle the flames. My friends, a few of my late friends' cousins (who were meant to guard this fire) and I were gathered around it late at night, talking about our friend. It was reminiscent of any ordinary campfire, and the lack of sleep had dulled my wits.

I was drinking water out of a solo cup, and without thinking, tossed it into the flames. There were immediate gasps and yelps of shock. I cringed deep inside, regretting my action within a second. "I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, "oh god, I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to!" My friends' cousins were glaring at me, and my boyfriend at the time, sensing the mood much better than I, basically hastily. escorted me from the fire.

This action seriously harmed my reputation for many years. One of my friends, who had been dating my late friend, basically never forgave me. Rumours spread and for many years I feared retaliation, i.e. being beat the fuck down as my late friend had many cousins and relatives. I would lie awake at night, praying/hoping his parents never found out. For years I couldn't even speak of it, and it made me intensely anxious just to think about it.

The passage of time has eased my discomfort over the matter, but I will never forget it. To this day it is the worst genuine accident I have caused and the memory of that disgrace still resonates with me. I feel it actually instilled a caution in me I never had before.

tl;dr- I tossed a red solo cup into my dead friends' sacred funerary fire.