Fuck it, using my main. I’m an asshole husband. I’m a horrible person. I want to be a better person, for myself, and for my partner, if she stays with me. Please make me feel as bad as I’ve made my partner feel for all these years.

My partner (F29) and I (31M) met in the navy back in 2016. Same command, same duties. We began dating within a few weeks of meeting, and within 4 months we got married down in Charleston, South Carolina, moved out of the barracks, and got on-base housing. Mistake.

Not being in the barracks anymore, AND being 24 years old, I was allowed to purchase & have alcohol in my fridge. The base store was a 5 minute walk from my doorstep. Easy access to alcohol. Due to job stress, I began drinking…. Heavily. Almost always high percentage stuff, liquors, wine, etc.

I would verbally berate my wife when I got drunk. So much. I would get very defensive about my drinking, and I would hide it from her all over the house, so she wouldn’t throw it all away. I would stay out at the bar on the base until it closed…. Too many times. I was an alcoholic piece of shit. I was(am) verbally & emotionally abusive to her. And this has persisted for years. I would constantly criticize her weight, I would point out flaws in her physique and make little comments about it. I’d berate her for not seeing something as fast as I could( she has astigmatism, wears glasses), etc, small nitpicky things.

Before we got married, while dating, I cheated on her with an old fling, got a BJ while on vacation. I have also flirted with other past flings via text while on vacation with my partner. Yeah she found out.

We had a drunken orgy one night with another sailor couple, where my wife was hanging out with them & drinking, then they came &’picked me up & told me that we’re having an orgy, & started feeding me shots so I’d get as drunk & loose as the 3 of them. I still have a bit of relationship trauma from the pressure of it & what followed of me watching/hearing what my wife was doing. I was very drunk & could not get it up. The other dude was massively well-equipped. I sometimes feel like that was payback for me cheating..

One time, I got arrested in Georgia back in 2017 on Tybee Island for DUI while still active duty. My wife watched me get arrested. Then had to pick me up at the army base police station a few hours later, after the army contacted my command. Fought the DUI and won, was allowed to stay in the navy.

….. then I got NJP’ed out of the navy in 2019 for showing up to work, still drunk from the night before of heavy drinking. The Command Master Chief smelled alcohol on my breath in the squadron building. I had reached a hefty mass of 330 lbs from my starting weight in 2016 of 220. I was a big fat alcoholic fucking sailor.

I have also put a drunken fist-hole into every house and apartment I’ve had since 2016 so far (so that’s like, 7?).

When we would fight, I would sometimes float the idea of divorce, & this also has persisted for years when we would fight. We have never agreed on a divorce yet.

So I ended up losing all the weight, went back to 220, quit drinking, and I still give my partner shit when we argue about weight, about sexual attraction, physical attraction, just demean her to make her feel bad. Yay, I’m winning the argument….

She also has an eating disorder, and has struggled with bulimia, binging & purging, for a long time. She is currently in counseling for her ED. Yes, I have still demeaned her weight during arguments.

Over the years, we have had a few drunken casual encounters with other single sailors and sailor couples, none of which went very well. A few days ago, my partner asked about what our relationship dynamic was. We started talking & settled on a form of polyamory. She was emotionally interested in another person she had met, and wanted to start a poly relationship with them. I think it’s because I’m an asshole, and she was looking for someone who treats her better than I do, and doesn’t demean her all the time.

4th of July, we hung out at the beach, I snapped at my partner, in the car, with the person she was interested in, berated her for not seeing something that I assumed was obvious to see. They saw all the red flags in me. Again, I am a huuuge asshole.

Everyone go look at my POST history now, my very last post goes into our “foray” into the world of poly not even 48 hours ago yet. I understand. She does deserve so much better than me.

….and a few days ago was our last fight, too. I did all the same patterns. I criticized her weight, said I was not physically or sexually attracted to her anymore because of her weight, questioned whether or not I actually loved her, and floated the idea of divorce again. She still said she doesn’t want to divorce me.

My wife is literally a goddess for staying with a toxic piece-of-shit asshole like me for 7 years. If she left me, it would be nothing but good for her, and nothing but bad for me, and I deserve it. I know in my heart I’ve been a bad person for a long time.

I don’t know why she stays with me guys.

None of this is a joke. This is really what I have done over the years, and as recently as yesterday.

(I do think I’m really mentally ill or something, I take propranolol for anxiety & bupropion for depression, none of that is an excuse for my downright horrible, evil behavior to my own spouse over the last 7 years. I will go schedule an appointment with a VA therapist today)

TL;DR I am a verbally & emotionally abusive alcoholic who treats my wife like garbage & demeans her weight constantly when she has an eating disorder. I am probably one of the most awful & neglectful husbands on the planet earth.