I got out of an 8 year relationship about two years ago and after some time I think I’ve healed and worked on myself enough to go on some dates in the past couple months. I got on the apps and started putting myself out there more in bars and such. As a result I’ve had dates with about 4 different women, 2 of which I’m continuing to see and 1 that I really wish I could see exclusively.

I’ve been seeing that 1 girl for a lot my recent dating tenure and I don’t know that I’ve felt such an attraction to a person. The more information my brain takes in, my attraction to her only grows stronger. With every insecurity she shows me, I’ve only found endearment. I’ve grown very fond of her and from what she’s told me; I hold a special place in her heart as well.

The misfortune comes in that she’s still trying to figure out what she wants or needs and has been playing with the idea of a poly-lifestyle. She’s also stated that she thinks I came along at a bad time for her. She makes a lot of comments I don’t love that point to her being unavailable for and kind of poking fun at monogamy, or at least in our context. I don’t inherently despise the idea of alternative relationship styles but I don’t think it’s something I could participate in. I’m a classic over thinker, it’s a problem for me in many facets of my life, but romantically and bedroom-wise it tends to get in the way . We’ve spent most weekends together because we live about an hour apart. This weekend I got to see her for much of Friday as well as Saturday and had a pretty good time with her until the end. She was sending me back home because she had a photo shoot with a client, which I imagine would’ve taken something like an hour maybe two tops. I couldn’t help but feel it was weird because historically I wouldn’t mind just hanging out until she came back. She just did a number of things that made it seem like she had a date that night and planned to bring them back to her place, and then her sending me off was a bit more rushed it felt than often. So naturally I couldn’t help but be consumed by thoughts of her being with another man as I drove home.

I hate that my brain processes like this, I like this girl. Why couldn’t I have just been grateful I got that time with her? She’s a busy person, she made time for me because she really wanted to see me, she cooked for me and we had 4 different occasions of being intimate in that span. So why do I need to freak out? I tried to stop from overthinking by drinking and smoking and even trying to sleep it off with some sleep aid meds. My brain is just determined to wreak havoc on my nervous system. I lowkey wish lobotomies were still legal, I’m just really exhausted because my brain won’t let me rest.