I guess I'm posting here to get some things off my chest. I think it will be helpful for me to vent. This will be a long story about me, my one serious relationship and the things I'm doing for my mental outside of therapy. I''ll break it into sections and put a tl:dr at the bottom. I'm open to any advice, but I probably won't be going to therapy any time soon.

My history:

Im (39 m) an introverted person and I really struggle to connect with strangers and meet people. I'm an only child and I grew up pretty lonely. I didn't interact with my parents as much as I wanted.. they both worked and commuted and they didn't have a lot of energy for me after work.

Where we lived was pretty isolated and I would try to ride my bike into the small town about 3 miles to try and find some kids to play with.

I was bullied a bit in school but I had a small group of friends that I hung out with during lunch, breaks. Never had a girlfriend during school.

After school - class 2003, I went to college but I was unsure of what I wanted to do so I ended up exploring options but eventually graduated in 2011 with a mechanical engineering degree. I was originally from CA but moved to NM for school

I moved from NM to the East Coast for a co-op opportunity where I could work and obtain a master's degree. I hated the East Coast, disliked the school and job, so I ended up moving back with my parents. Got a low paying job in 2012 that was engineering adjacent.

My dad died in 2015. He had diabetes and althzheimers. During this time my mom broke her hip so I was taking care of both of them. I wasn't patient enough with my dad during my care with him, it's a huge regret for me. Just to give an example, he would pee the bed every night and need help taking a shower. I viewed him as just a burden at the time.

After his passing, my mom and I moved to CO. I got a job as the manager of a computer repair store. I was pretty lonely - never had a real relationship at this point, but I liked my job ( it didn't pay well) and I had hobbies I enjoyed - disc golf and video games.

During this job, I took an interest in programming and started writing a database application for tracking our repairs. I was pretty passionate about this project and I would spend long hours writing code after work.

I met a girl during this time, I'll call her Mary. I had a disc golf friend - Martin, who introduced me to Mary's husband at the time - Justin. Justin and Mary were from NC and wanted to move to CO. Their plan was that Justin would come out first, get a job and Mary would come out at a later date. Justin, Mary and I all played the same video game so I would play together with them even before she moved out.

When she moved out to CO, I liked her immediately. She was 22 at the time, I was 33. She was married to Justin but it didn't feel like they had a very serious relationship. They were living in their car and with friends and Justin would constantly get wasted and try to flirt with waitresses at bars, asking them for a 3 some in front of her. Sometimes I would hang out with Mary during the day while Justin worked and we had a strong connection. She admitted that she only followed him to CO because she didn't have anything better to do.

After a while we had sex, and I felt pretty shitty about betraying Justin. I told her that we had to come clean and she was hesitant but agreed. I came clean to Justin and he was pretty devastated. He ended up driving back to NC and Mary moved in with me (and my mom).

The relationship:

Our relationship was great at first. I still felt crappy about being a homewrecker but she assured me Justin would be fine as they didn't really love each other and he already had a new girlfriend back home.

Although the sex wasn't great ( she had a lower sex drive) we got along great and I genuinely feel I was the happiest I've ever been in my life during the early stages of our relationship.

Being 33 at the time, I guess I was in a rush to have kids. I've always wanted a daughter and I didn't want to be like my dad. I wanted to make sure I had enough energy and good health to play with my kids and be around for my grandchildren. I thought I needed to have kids already or I would be too old I guess.

We got pregnant in 2018 and our daughter was born early 2019. During Mary's pregnancy, I realized my salary at the computer repair store wouldn't cut it for our new family. I was taking some computer science courses at the time and with my experience with writing the database application, I applied for a software dev job in CO. I ended up landing a job as a junior dev shortly after our daughter was born.

Shortly after that, we got pregnant again. This time I was worried as I didn't feel ready for two kids. Mary wanted us to move to NC so she could be close to her family. She said her mom would help us with the kids. My mom is disabled and she can't really do much with the kids. After my son was born, covid hit and we started seriously planning a move. My job was remote, the housing prices and interest rates were low so it made sense.

About two months before the move, her parents came to visit us in CO. She decided to leave back with them early while I took care of the move. Her logic was that it would be easier if we didn't have to move with the kids and she would be able to look for a job in NC.

During this time, I stayed in CO, I worked, took care of all the inspections and paperwork for the new house and I exercised a lot in my free time. It was lonely without my family but I was really motivated to have a fresh healthy start in the new house. I've always been overweight and I think at the time I was blaming it on my mom who would always buy sweets and soda and cook some heart bombs. Plus it felt like the real start of our family where it was just us.

When it was time, I packed up a moving truck, car in tow, and made the drive from Co to NC. We moved into the house in late 2020.

Again, everything was good at first, but the relationship slowly started to deteriorate over the next few years. Her mom was watching the kids for us so Mary and I could work. This ended after her stepdad got a new job and her parents moved a few hours away. Wasn't a huge deal but I felt it was worth mentioning since it was kind of the entire reason we moved to NC.

I made friends with my neighbor. He was pretty self centered and the whole friendship revolved around him, but I guess I needed a little away time from my family. I don't have many friends in NC while she has her sister and high school friends she hangs out with. One night I was drinking a few beers with the neighbor and when I get back she yelled at me, saying I was sucking his penis or something along those lines. I just blew up at her and screamed, " I hate you" and walked off down the street. I didn't even know why it hurt me so bad at the time but looking back on it now, I think it's because she was right.. It was a shitty friendship but it was the only one I had outside of her. I felt terrible for yelling at her, it just sort of came out without my control. The yelling incident led her to take the kids and go stay with her mom for about a week. We both apologized and everything went back to normal.

At some point she stopped working, she said she would be the best mom and housewife ever. I agreed to it as I felt like we were struggling to give the kids enough attention and I had recently got a promotion at my job so we could afford it.

My mom came to visit us in 2022. During the visit she tried to catch my daughter and fell and broke her other hip. She stayed with us for about a year to recover. Mary got along okay with my mom, but during this time she would mostly avoid her and just play video games in our bedroom. I could tell she didn't like the idea of my mom staying with us for recovery but there was no way she was going home unable to take care of herself.

I was pretty grumpy during this time. Everything felt like a burden, helping my mom, helping the kids, Mary always needed attention and validation.

Around the time my mom left, Mary's brother started staying with us. He had a job but no car so we would have to give him rides to and from work. He rarely paid rent or bought food as he would spend his money on weed or booze. I liked him well enough and we'd hang out in the garage and smoke together but it was definitely straining on my relationship with Mary. By this point, she would do the bare minimum for our kids, give her brother a ride to work and then lock herself in our room and play video games for 10 hours or so.

The breakup:

I was starting to hit my boiling point with her. She took a trip with friends during the summer of 2023 and when she got back, I gave her the cold shoulder. I was upset because she left me with my job, the kids, and giving her brother rides. Upon receiving the cold shoulder, she asked if I even loved her any more. I replied that maybe we should just be coparents. This was a mistake as soon as I said it - what I meant was, we need to put the kids first and then try to fix our relationship.

What I didn't know at the time was that she already had a replacement lined up. Before the trip with friends, she took a trip with some other friends from a video game to go ghost hunting. She met a guy there and I guess they had some chemistry.

After I mentioned the coparents thing, she said we were done and moved in with her sister. During this time she was asking me for child support even though we were splitting time 50/50 and she asked me to get groceries for her and the kids when the kids were at her sisters.

I had no idea she was courting this new guy at the time. About a week after the fight, she asked to borrow the car so she could visit one of her friends. I agreed as we were talking about reconcilation. We planned to hang out when she got back. However, during the trip, I got an email saying that she had put in a change of address. I talked with my mom about it and she said Mary was just using me at this point for the car and groceries. So when she got back, instead of asking about the dinner, I said, "when can I expect the car back" this pissed her off, so we never connected when she got back.

I was a mess, and I decided to go to Peru for an Ayahuasca retreat. This is something I had been planning for Mary and myself for a long time. I got us passports and everything. When she left, I sold my truck and used the money to just go alone during one of the weeks she was watching the kids.

The trip was amazing, and I felt like a new person when I got back. I had done a lot of journaling and I wrote down what I wanted to say to Mary. When I got back, I met her at her sisters to pick up the kids and I told her what I wanted to say.. basically accepting all my responsibility for the relationship falling apart, saying that I still wanted to be with her and wanted us to be a family but I would try to still be friends even if she wouldn't take me back.

She told me she was in love with a new man let's call him Jose.. she was going to move to be with him, he lived about 4 hours away.

She moved in late October 2023, her original plan was that I would watch the kids for a few months while here and Jose got settled. Once settled, she wanted to take both kids to live with her and Jose ( a complete stranger to them at this point) and I would pay her $300 a month in child support. She stated this was a bargain because she looked up my salary and thought it should be $1000 a month if we went to court. She assured me that if we went to court she would win because the courts favor the mom.

I didn't want my kids to be raised by a stranger so I told her that I'd keep the kids, she pays no child support. She told me she needed to call her sister and best friend to ask for advice. She called back about 30 mins later and agreed with no arguments.

The aftermath:

Before she left to live with Jose and for about 3 months after, I remained in contact with her. She would kind of play me along sending me messages saying she missed me and then immediately delete them( Facebook messenger) we would have long calls where she would ask me how things would be if we got back together, saying things like, "but your mom will hate me and what will the neighbors think of me"

She used the fact that she had a new man and I was lonely to hurt me further. We argued about our crappy sex life, I told her I didn't want to keep initiating when she would always reject me. When she would reject me she would say, "I'm gross". After the breakup she told me that she didn't actually feel gross, she said I smelled bad.

She argued that I was negative all the time, she said we didn't have much in common anymore and that she had changed in the years we had been together.

She argued that Jose looked after her health by making sure she ate breakfast every morning. This really hurt because I used to make healthy smoothies for us every morning but I gave up because she would never drink them.

When I confronted her on the fact that she wasn't doing much for the kids, she blamed it on her depression and and blamed me for her depression.

She would go back and forth between saying she wanted me back to pointing out my faults and how much happier she was now.

The whole while I felt like I had to accept the entire responsibility of our breakup if I wanted a shot at saving my family.

At some point, I think around February of this year, I just gave up talking to her all together. She asks me questions about the kids and I just give her a short and formal response, sometimes just a thumbs up reaction to her message.

She talks to the kids still about twice a week. She calls me on messenger and I just hand my daughter the phone and go outside while they talk.

She tries to get the kids when she can, usually 3 or 4 day trips to stay with her and Jose. She drives over here to pick them up and I usually meet them half way for the return.

My current situation:

My daughter is 5 and in kindergarten. She is doing really well. My son is 4 and is behind on his speech. He had speech therapy during covid but it was video conferencing and I don't think it helped much. I took him to a psychology place for evaluation but they did a quick assessment and said they can't start real testing until January.

Mary's sister watches my son 3 days a week while I work. Mary and I pay her for this splitting the cost. During the other two days, he stays at home while I try to work.

Mary is now married to Jose and has a son due in April. I found out about the pregnancy from Mary's sister. I found out about the marriage when Mary donated to my daughters school fundraiser with Joses last name. Seeing that donation felt like a knife in the heart. She didn't take Justin's last name, and we were engaged but never married. It caused me to block her on everything. I set up an old phone for my daughter and created a messenger kids account so she can still talk with the kids but my mental state is especially bad after seeing that donation.

I don't really share any pictures or news of the kids with her. I feel like since she didn't want to share a life with us she has to miss out on their milestones. I think shes upset by this and did the donation to bite back.

The kids miss her and I know the breakup and my behavior isn't helping my son. I feel like Mary only cares about our daughter and my son misses her and is needing a mother figure in his life.

I've been getting into arguments with my neighbors. My kids are similar age to his kids and they used to play together. My son is potty trained but he had a incident where he pooped on the neighbors lawn. This neighbor now doesn't like me or my son and thinks I'm not doing enough to watch my kids. He's got a little clique in the neighborhood and they all don't like me.

My mental state:

Im struggling to keep everything together and often cry and break down in front of my kids. I'm struggling financially as I'm bad with money and I keep buying useless crap to try and feel happy for a bit.

I've lost all passion for programming and I'm just getting by at my job but I'll be screwed if I lose it and have to get something different.

I don't really have much enjoyment anymore and I only feel okay after all my duties are done and I'm laying in bed. I do things with the kids like to the park, or the mall or restaurants. I feel like I'm just trying to pass the time until I can go to sleep.

I love my kids but I never thought I'd be a single father. My mom did about everything for me and my dad. My dad just worked. I wanted to do better than my dad but I never wanted to do it alone. Life just feels so empty and hard now that she is gone.

I don't like NC or the south in general but I'm kind of stuck here until I can afford to move. A friend once told me that the grass is greenest where you water it but I feel like I'm trying to grow seaweed in the desert.

Im just looking for a way to be happy again. I know that I should be able to be happy by myself but I want a relationship again. I don't want to be a single parent. I want a relationship but it's got to be better than my last. I know I need to work on myself before I get into anything but it feels like I'm only getting worse.

I don't trust that Mary loves Jose. I think she's got some issues as well and her pattern is to use men until she gets bored and then moves on. shes never been without a relationship since high school.

Ive never even met the guy, he doesn't talk, doesn't look me in the eye when I meet them to pickup the kids. Mary's family isn't happy with her and she has no support where she is outside of Jose. Joses sister tried to warn her that he had red flags. Basically no one likes Jose except for Mary. I think she is lying to herself and I guess I am secretly hoping that she will one day tell me she made a mistake. If shes still happy in 4 years or so, I'll admit I was wrong. We fell in love quickly and it fell apart quickly. She fell in love with Jose even faster so time will be the judge.

It just hurt so ducking bad that I gave this girl my all and was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. She used to tell me how much she loved me and how lucky she was. But then she left and wasn't sad, didn't cry, hadn't even loved me in a long time apparently.

I think my ego wants to feel like I'm better than this guy and she's crazy for leaving me. I wouldn't reconcile with her at this point but I think she would benefit from being on her own for a while. I wish she lived closer so she could spend more time with the kids.

After she left, I lost all confidence and i'm just back to this lonely dude with no friends and no woman. I can't really talk to strangers and I feel like my body language is saying f off if anyone approaches me.

My thoughts on the relationship:

I think romance is like a fire that you have to keep feeding. We stopped feeding the romance and it slowly died.

I should have tried to take her on more dates, been more spontaneous, been more present to her needs.

I got caught up in being a parent and forgot to be a boyfriend. I took her for granted. I didn't communicate enough with her.

It felt like we wanted affection and sex at different times. I got frustrated because she would never let me cuddle her in the mornings. I am affectionate in the morning and I want to cuddle my girl, hug the kids and pet the dog. She would always be grumpy and if I touch her she would say she had to pee or something. This was like 9am where the kids were waking up and I needed to start my work day. She wasn't working at the time so she was supposed to wake up with me to get the kids fed. I should have communicated my needs better with her. I needed her to take that pee so we can cuddle for a few minutes before I start work and the kids wake up. I didn't communicate my feelings and I just startedletting her sleep until the kids woke her up. Looking back, it was a major turning point in the relationship. Like if I were to say how it died, I'd say it's because I gave up on trying to get my morning cuddles.

On my end, I wasn't very affectionate at night. We both played video games and I would usually stay up later than her playing games in my office until she was asleep. She would wait up for me but I guess I wanted space at the time. It felt like everyone was always needing something from me and I was drained and needed something back but I didn't know what it was or how to express it.

Towards the end, I was in autopilot. It felt like this weird game of chicken where she would be lazy and I would just match her energy. I felt like we weren't doing enough as parents but I shouldnt have to step up if she wouldn't match me.

I guess I felt like I settled for her. She was cute and sweet ( or so I thought) but she didn't really stimulate me intellectually. I felt like the sex should be better as well, especially at the beginning of the relationship but I don't have any girls to compare her against. My ideal person would be more fearless, more sexual, more stimulating. Mary was a consumer of media. Her life revolved around video games, movies, tv shows and TikTok. I know everyone is like this to some extent but it felt like she had no interest outside of games or tv.

Despite this, I really did feel like I loved her. She loved me immediately and strongly. I'm thinking I fall in love more based on how the other person feels about me than their own traits or personality.

Mary says I'm a narcissist. I hope I'm not.. I've done some self centered things in the past, like buying expensive things for myself but I really try to empathize with people and help others. I would hate feeling like I used someone and I always try to give more than I get.

I know I've got some issues. I genuinely don't like myself and I and I tend to focus on my regrets and wrongdoings rather than anything good. I feel like an alien and it's so rare to meet anyone that I connect with. It doesn't help that I work remote and have little human interaction outside of my kids. It's like I'm losing what little conversation skills I had.

I'm always yelling at my kids because it's the only way I can get them to listen so I don't even have quality conversations there.

Things I've been doing for my mental:

Yoga, meditation, breath work. I'll get on kicks where I'll do a lot of work in these areas. I get bored though and give up after some time.

Eating better and exercising. I was pretty heavy when Mary left. We both are like crap and didn't exercise. I wanted better for myself but didn't have the motivation to change until she left. I'm down about 30 lbs with a goal of 30 more lbs to lose. Exercise has been making me feel better, I just wish I had more time for it. I make due with a little garage equipment and I ride my bike when Mary's sister watches my son.

Practicing gratitude. I know I need to be grateful for my two beautiful kids. I should be grateful to Mary for giving me those kids. I need to be grateful for my health and my job, my mom and my few friends.

I'm working on forgiving Mary. I know I need to do this for my own mental health. I spend way to much time thinking about her and what went wrong. I think if I could find someone else I would forget her pretty quickly but for now I still cry almost every day.

I feel like I blew my one shot at love and I'm never going to experience romance again. I have made an effort at online dating but it just makes me more depressed and hopeless. I don't want to settle, I need to work on myself but it feels like I'm not getting anywhere.

Reasons I don't want to try therapy:

I can't afford it, I don't have the time and I don't trust people. I'm slow to open up and trust anyone. Even if I had the money and time, trying to find a compatible therapist sounds exhausting. Im not finding many compatible romantic partners so I feel like I'd have the same problems trying to find a therapist.

I'm getting tired of writing but I think I said most of what I wanted to say.

Tldr: lonely guy, met a girl, had kids, girl left and back to lonely. Can't afford therapy, don't know how to feel better.