26 YO male been in a LTR and have over sued porn to escape goals, fears, pain, task, and get lost in fantasies my partner wasn’t into and felt extreme guilt and shame if I ever brought it up in our bedroom since I know she’d never actually be into them and I feel I look so stupid when asking for those kinks (BDSM, intimate BDSM and basicly being real vulnerable as a male, light CBT (think nails /stuff) and ofc some other unhealthy kinks like ffm and mfm

I was exposed to porn by my “abuser” in grade 2-3-4, and scary movies, and he’d pause scenes of naked scenes or gore. Legit traumatized me

I used to self harm my own self in jk, sk, grade 1-2-3-4 etc on my own little dude and liked the pain and excitement (not knives) but like using tape and elastic bands before the SA

I’ve always been weird and messed up then the SA and the childhood home I grew up in not being safe emotionally (explosive parents, not a lot of $$, they didn’t show up to events they where busy working for low $)

Teenage hood and early adult life I was addicted to porn and sharing myself on Reddit to cope with fantasy and validation and dopamine

But I never addressed my dark pains from childhood from parents or SACOC

I feel so much guilt and shame for posting on Reddit, having harder kinks than my partner who is wholesome, but I can scratch that itch, she doesn’t get me or that side of myself.

Feeling lots, I’m scared for this session in therapy we haven’t gotten to this topic yet

Only been 3 times