So this just seems to keep coming back, some times I’ll be okay and won’t think about it but then I have times where I’m so low I just don’t want to keep “taking it one day at a time” and I don’t even know where it all stems from, it’s like a damn tree root with stems everywhere or it at least feels like it, there’s probably more than just this but here’s one of the main factors I believe.

So to give an overview of the internal struggle first, I have trouble moving forward in life, not necessarily with getting older but with the fact that the past is gone and seems to be going faster and faster. I’m fine getting older, I’ll be 30 this year and that’s not a problem but I really miss who I was and the people I had around me 9 or 10 years ago.

I catch myself dwelling on the past a lot, just thinking about the changes in my self, positive and negative, where I was in my career, what I wanted to do with my future, etc. most of those I can live with, it is what it is, once again some things are better some are not so much.

Here’s where I get really hung up though, when I turned 21 I met a girl, she came into the family, got extremely close with my mom who was my best friend in the world, and things were great, I seen my whole future with her, her and my mom became best friends going and doing things together all the time, it was honestly all I ever wanted. After about 2 years my mom got sick, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was only given a couple months, she needed up going another 2 years and it gave me time to get so much closure and try to heal which was fantastic. For time line sake she passed away a few months into 2019.

Well around the beginning of 2018 i believe, me and girlfriend at time started having some issues, unfortunately I was not the best boyfriend in the world (not abusive or anything) just was not always thinking of her needs as much as my own. I was young and immature, I feel ashamed now honestly. Well at the same time she wasn’t working and I was drowning in bills trying to keep us going, she started getting kind of messy and lazy, we both started building a slight resentment, don’t get me wrong I loved her with all my heart, she was a very kind person but I we both had our flaws.

Shortly after my mom passed away in 2019 we ended up breaking up, I technically ended it because of something that happened, at the time I couldn’t have moved passed it and I know that for sure, but it was still the hardest time in my life I felt like I had lost both of the biggest parts of my life at the same time. We tried to fix it, we slowly just stopped talking and we both moved on. I got with my new girlfriend a few months later and we’ve been together for 5 years now.

I’m so deeply in love with her and want to propose soon, but for some reason there’s still a part of me that can’t let go of the past and what used to be. It’s been 5 years and I can’t let go of the memories or get through them, I wouldn’t give up my current relationship for anything but I feel like it will never be equal because of the relationship my ex had with my mom and my family. My new girlfriend is close with my family but my family is just so much smaller because my mom is what used to keep it together, now it’s really just my brother, my dad, and my cousin. The relationship dynamic just doesn’t feel the same and I hate that because that is all I wish I could have when my current girlfriend. I also adored my ex’s parents and we were very close and I don’t have that in my current relationship, my girlfriend isn’t even the biggest fan of her family, so I kind of lost that too.

I literally still have dreams on occasion like last night of my “old life” and just seeing her and my mom again made me want to bawl my eyes out when I woke up. It literally made me want to call my ex and apologize for some of the immature things I did because I still feel guilty for it but that would just be to make me feel better and that’s not fair, I don’t know if she even cares about that or even thinks about these things too. I just don’t know how to keep pushing through life if 5 years isn’t enough to heal it.