so there's some challenges in my personal life that i don't know how to deal with. i started doing therapy some years ago but haven't found much use in it.

the challenges are in my interpersonal relationships and my career. on the interpersonal front i just find others behaving with me in ways i dont appreciate. like making cutting comments they wouldn't with someone else. if 3 of us were going for dinner one person would perhaps look at the other person most of the time and leave me out of the conversation. i dont have a good relationship with a number of my siblings. things like that. and on the career front i found myself constantly underperforming, despite trying really hard. i do have ADHD but i'm not really interested in using that as an excuse.

at first i read self-help books like tony robbins etc but i got tired of hearing this shit about 'limiting beliefs'. for those who dont know what that means, the theory is sometimes we just hold beliefs that are unhelpful and it's the belief, rather than reality, that's troubling us. i dont know what to do with that though. the issues i face are grounded in reality not imagination.

on the interpersonal front, it seems clear to me that this could either be a perceptional issue (ie i'm too sensitive and taking jokes too seriously) or this is actually happening - and if it's happening it's quite possible my behaviour is the problem and causing these reactions. i dont know with 100% certainty which of these is the case but i'm fairly sure i'm not imagining things, and these are actual issues that are happening. whether my behaviour is causing this reaction in others? i suppose that makes logical sense and i'm willing to explore that, but i'm not as convinced. reason being after a problem happens i try to think about what happened and it's very rare for me to conclude that i did something wrong there. of course it could just be i'm not seeing it. another option i'd bring up though, if you think of kids who are being bullied in school (i'm not being bullied, just raising this as an analogy) they're causing this reaction in others, they're the common denominator in all their bad relationships, yet they aren't at fault. so i'm not completely sold on the idea that if you have negative relationships with a number of people you're necessarily at fault.

anyway so i've seen various therapists over the years. most of them were pretty useless honestly. there was one i connected well with and saw her frequently over the years. but after some time it became clear to me that this wasn't actually going to solve any problems so i saw it more like a weekly cleansing session where i'd just discuss what's up in my life, rather than looking for actual solutions to deeper problems. i did find it quite frustrating though that she seemed to think i'm too sensitive but never explained why. i also found it interesting that she'd say some of my comments can be pretty caustic. interesting because if i'm actually offensive then it would make sense that i'm causing this offense in others and they're reacting by treating me negatively. that's not me being sensitive that means there's an actual issue there that needs to be resolved. but we'd keep getting stuck on this general area.

anyway so after years of not getting anywhere with her i recently got benefits at my work so have tried others. i started seeing an ADHD clinic. i was going there hoping to improve my career issues but so far we've just been discussing interpersonal stuff. this lady i'm seeing there, at the second session she said a bunch of stuff that made me feel like she really gets me. she said people with adhd tend to blurt things out, they have no filter (i dont think of myself that way but others have said that to me), a bunch of other stuff that made me feel like she really gets it. so i've wanted to stick with her. but i also find her quite frustrating. firstly, she rambles on and on and on. how the fuck does someone work at an ADHD clinic and still go on unnecessary tangents, like that should be the #1 thing they tell you not to do. i brought that up with her once and she was very receptive, so that's good. but she still does it. but she also feels like i'm too sensitive (even though we haven't discussed many negative interactions, so i dont think she has the data to come to that conclusion). our last session was horrible. she was essentially saying i should stop expecting so much from others, else i'll be left disappointed. but she'd somehow drag this comment out into a long speech. so at the end of her monologue i'd try to condense it into one or two sentences - "so you're saying i should lower my standards, not expect to be treated well?" - to which she'd go on another long monologue, which i'd again need to summarize, and on and on. towards the end i just stopped listening. will be seeing her today after 2 weeks and will have to bring up this point very strongly about not going on tangents.

but then there's another therapist i also decided to give a try to (having benefits is great! gotta use it up haha). had a number of sessions with him. we connect well. he's noted my strong objections against lowering standards etc. but it seems like he's now also trying to bring up internal reactions rather than external behaviour, and i'm finding this quite frustrating.

to me it's very clear. if someone was making $10K and came to me for help. i wouldn't tell them they're being too sensitive, i'd try to fix the fucking problem. i'd tell them to spend all day looking for a new job, or maybe a second job, something like that. i most definitely wouldn't tell them to somehow make peace with where they're at (unless there's external circumstances that prevent all this). similarly, human connection is a need we have, and we all have this need to not be treated badly. anyone would be upset over mistreatment. why focus on internal reactions, rather than fixing the fucking problem?

granted some people are just stupid and have ridiculous reactions and in those outlier cases that's what should be worked on. i honestly dont think i'm one of them.

just wondering if anyone might have any suggestions. is therapy just not meant to solve external issues? i've seen this mentioned elsewhere on reddit that it's all about working on internal stuff. that was just one person so i chose to not believe that. i dont know, i'm just so frustrated with these guys trying to take me in unproductive directions rather than trying to solve problems.