I didn't want this relationship to end, I didn't plan on resuming dating, didn't think we will ever go NC.. But here I am, today is two months since my MM broke up with me and we went NC. I decided to share how I feel since unfortunately many of us are in similar situation. Many break up coaches tell that if dumper don't reach out after 2 months of NC, then it's time to move on... Not sure I hoped that he would reach out, but I guess it's final confirmation that it ended forever.

First month was complete hell. I cried every day, slept 12h per day just not to feel anything, lost weight because I couldn't eat. Luckily I had opportunity to travel, both privately and for work, and it definitely helped me to distant myself from the situation. Unfortunately the moment I was back home, it all started again.

What helped, was this video (and overall her channel). I watched it probably 1000 times. She tells: in order to heal, this relationship has to die. And this is exactly what I focused my power on. I was killing this relationship and it was painful, I cried even more and realized how much I don't want it to die...

I focused on meditation and physically stopping myself when thinking about him. Deleted all conversations, almost all pictures, videos, screenshots...

I've also spent a lot of time analyzing and thinking how could he just dump me after all he told and promised. When I finally realized, it was lies. It didn't matter what exactly he told me and it didn't make any sense to hand onto these thoughts, since most probably he just lied to convince me to date him or told what I thought was important to hear. It started with lies about his age and I think sometimes he doesn't know himself, what is true about his life and it was lies.

Unfortunately I checked dating website where I met him (and deleted my profile now), he is actively looking for new APs and advertising himself... It desroyed me again, when I think how easy someone can move on and delete your from their life in one day.

I realize that even if he would message me again, we don't have any future anyway. I never wanted to be an AP, he will never leave his wife, there is absolutely no future and no reason for me to continue it. I wish he would maybe break it off in a more friendly manner instead of being so cruel, maybe then we still could be in touch but not in this situation. I can't forgive someone who brought me so much pain. I am angry with him that I need to spend so much time healing, working on myself, reading about break ups, while he gets to keep his wife, his affairs, everything. How come life and everything is so easy for him? Sometimes it feels some people go through life without any consequences.

But do I still wish to see him, spend night in a hotel, hug and enjoy... Unfortunately I still do...

Overall I feel better, I try to focus myself on different things. Not crying that much anymore. Still didn't go on any dates. There is a small hope it will get better.

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