Curious question for the community of OW, OM, MW and MM who have been doing this a long time or looking to make this last… what does ‘true commitment’ look like in your relationships, or what do you believe it to be?

In my eyes, MM and MW are unable to give ‘true commitment’ as they put primary lovers/situations before their OW or OM. They put their spouse, BF/GF, and/or kids as top priority, and even will put situations, such as financial or reputation hits from divorce/separation, ahead of their OW/OM.

A true commitment, in my opinion, is when someone puts you above it all - giving you the safety and security a loving, mutually beneficial relationship provides. Sure, people commit to one another and betray those they love - even when promises are made - hence why I say ‘true commitment.’

The reason I ask is that I have a friend involved with a MM now for 6 months. She loves him to death and travels/sees him as much as I see single men I date. I don’t know how he does it (all the time with her), but my friend says it shows his ‘true commitment’ to her - but I disagree. The time he spends seeing her and being with her is certainly nice and feels like a relationship, but the fact is that his W and kids come first. He has also told her that he fears getting divorced because he is worried it will impact his kids (apparently his brothers kids went through a rough time during his divorce).

My concern is that she isn’t getting the commitment she wants and actively talks about wanting a future with him. I’ve explained to her (as someone previously in a situation with a MM) is that he may be providing all the feels and activities of a new relationship, but there is always 1) the person/situation above her and 2) the secrecy and hidden life you have to live. And on top of that all, if they were to be together legitimately; there would be lots of side eyes (20 year age gap).

Am I just being a terrible friend and projecting my experience as an OW, or does anyone else have insight into this? I’m trying to be sensitive to her and they are about to take off on a 2 week trip together. She wants to talk about commitment with him, but I honestly don’t know what he could do besides building a private life with her (like helping her buy a home or something).