So here is goes. This is going to probably be a long one but I think this subreddit is probably the best spot for this story.

Backstory:

I F(30) and him M(31) have know each other since highschool. We've been all over the map really. He was my highschool crush although I'm hardly subtle so he knew. He gave me the friend speech back then so I just buried my feelings and basically accepted things as they were, never going to happen.

At 19 I met a man I had planned on forever with. Unfortunately he cheated on me and completely destroyed me. He was my first real relationship, living together, time and love. So when he cheated I didn't know what to do. So my friend I'll call him B decided to come and hang out with me for the night and just let me get away. He took me back to his place and we just hung out and watched TV and talked. I was all in my head hearing my guy's voice in my head saying we aren't together and we need a break. So I just went for it. I took off my bra " to make myself more comfortable" as I have a larger chest but really I was hoping for something. I won't get into all the details because there are other subreddits for that, but that night completely changed everything. I had only been with one man so I thought I was satisfied with my sex life but boy was I wrong.

This guy lasted so much longer than my guy. I tried to make things work with the husband (common law but whatever). It wasn't just the sex that became in issue but I didn't know how to forgive him for cheating. I have him everything and I just couldn't get over it. I unintentionally punished my ex for over 3 years trying to work things out but it just didn't last.

So when I became single I went and hung out with a friend that lived in a big city. I made a move on him but did so for the wrong reasons. While I was sorting out my life B was living in the same town as my parents where I was staying temporarily. We started a brief friends with benefits. But when I got a new apartment the big city guy and I ended up getting together. When we were doing FWB he was still hooking up with other people so I didn't know anything was up.

Well to save time my life took an unexpected turn and I became a victim of assault. It was a very serious situation and I almost lost my life. After this occurred I met up with B. He had I guess been quite worried about me. I found out later he wanted to ask me out that night but wanted to be respectful so decided to wait until the next time we hung out. Not knowing this information I got back together with the big city ex. He was still doing his Tinder single life thing for 6 months or so and then got a girlfriend.

Present ish:

So he's been with her for quite a while. But around 4 months into their relationship he ended up confessing his feelings for me. B and I were talking one night and he just told me he had feelings for me and how he was going to ask me out the first night I saw him again but wanted to be respectful of everything I had been through. I was completely shocked. I didn't see it coming at all.

Well ever since then for about 4 years or more he and I have been having an affair. He wasn't honest with me in the beginning and I might get into all of that in the comments if asked but let's just say he lied to me claiming she knew about me when she had no idea. It's so confusing because I get it. She fits perfectly into the group with his friends and she has a very accepting family that's taken him in. If I were an ex I think I would stand a better,fighting chance of ending up with him but we are the what if situation.

What if things were different? What if we had gotten together back in highschool? I don't have this demand that he leave her for me because right now the reality is I don't have a lot to offer. I don't have a job, I'm suffering with PTSD and my mental health is not in control right now. To ask him to give up someone who has a job, can drive (which I can't) and isn't in such shambles is very unrealistic.

They are expected to get married in the summer like 2023 summer so a few months away. We live in different towns so it's not like we get to actually see each other physically a lot but we text and facetime quite a lot.

I guess what's got me deciding to make this post is that he called me drunk on facetime from his bachelor party and wow the confessions he made have my mind just spinning. I don't drink so I don't know how much to chalk up to alcohol and how much he meant he just didn't have a filter to stop him. He's told me he loves me years ago. I guess I should mention I've been single for about a year and a half now. In that time we've only grown closer. He told me he loved me probably 3 years ago now. He's stated he technically loves us both and doesn't know who he wants.

So during the facetime call there were very many I love yous but the biggest shock was something I've been hoping for every day to hear. He told me he's so conflicted he's not sure if he can go through with it or not. He's not sure if he can marry her. He also mentioned how amazing I looked on prom night which completely through me for a loop because that was way before he ever claimed he had feelings for me. So I don't know what to believe.

We both are people that take marriage seriously and we've had discussions where the idea of divorce is something we don't really see. If it's not working obviously but more that old school belief of you don't just give up. You can't get to 50 years if you discuss divorce in every bump on the road.

Now here's my problem and I don't know if there are going to be any harsh comments calling me naive. But I asked him the one night if there were other girls he talks to or if I'm it. The look of hurt and betrayal on his face told me my answer without him having to say a word. He told me absolutely not. He had his man whore days and he was upfront and honest with everyone. No that his life would be better in a way if he didn't feel like this and I get that. I understood in that moment how conflicted he really is.

So there is one very big part of this relationship and that is sex. Some days it feels like that is the only thing but I know it's not. I'm a very open person and willing to be adventurous. Can't guarantee I'll like it but not someone to shut it down right away. I've never had that before and even while dating my ex from the big city, I couldn't feel comfortable sexually to have an open communication the way B and I do. Well his girlfriend is not so open. He's suggested certain things and she's shut it down harshly that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to her about what he really wants.

When I try to talk to him about his feelings for me he can only handle like a 10 minute conversation about deep feelings and his conflicted heart. It's like he channels all his feelings towards me through his dick. It's easier to rationalize in his mind then talking about his true feelings.

I guess I just don't know if I'm fooling myself. Is he just really good at telling me what I want to hear to keep me on the side or are his feelings for me that strong. I know I'm probably setting myself up for heartbreak because I don't feel like I can compete with her. I just wish I knew where his head was at. Is he just scared about risking it all, blowing up his life for the idea we might work or is he more of a guy who just likes the chase and attention I give him that he doesn't want to settle down and give that up. He also said if I get divorced I'm putting a ring on that finger and wifeing you up. Cause I said how serious we take marriage, the fact that he's saying that drunk at his bachelor party, what am I supposed to make of that? I believe him that he's feeling conflicted and his feelings for me are real. I just don't know if he's scared to explore how real they are or if he's just really good at convincing me it's not just about the great sex we have.

I guess that's where I end this long post for now. Thanks for reading