So to preface this post, I want to say this. I today believe in Thelema 100%, and more specifically the immense power of the mind, and magicks ability to assist in unlocking and harnessing that power. I did not cease being a practicing Thelemite because of any doubt I had in its effectiveness, or the endless possibilities I could potentially unlock. I, at my very core, am a knowledge seeker. I am the kind of person, if I think of something, and find it even slightly interesting, I will precede to research and learn everything there is to know about it. It isn’t a chore or tedious for me, it is something I legitimately enjoy doing. I believe my discovery of Thelema happened that way. I am unsure what specifically made me want to learn, but I did. Aleister Crowley, although very flawed, was an absolutely fascinating human being, and like me, his thirst for knowledge led him across the world, and the study of many religions and philosophies. I am someone who cannot believe in something blindly, without evidence. What I first came to love about Thelema, is it was a system grounded in reality, science and what we know to be true. I then preceded to read Liber Al Vel Legis. It was a lot to take in, and one of the beauties of Thelema, is it is a religion best practiced alone, and to be interpreted as you see it. As Crowley had practiced Kabbalah, and was VERY well versed in Egyptology, I read again from a symbolic stance. I had taken in the fundamental text, and also been handed a new way to live my life. Free. During this time, spring 2017, I had never had much any family support or love my whole life, and maybe I was feeling lost. I had been clean off opiates maybe 6 months, and when a friend showed back up randomly in my life one day, apologizing for stealing a prescription from me months back, and offering to pay me back in crystal meth, something I hadn’t done, I said yes. During this time, I began using every day. If you are unfamiliar with the effects, it is the absolute perfect substance to make you dive headfirst into Thelema, and instantly make sense of ideas or texts that you struggled to interpret sober. I spent every day becoming more and more enlightened. If friends were around , I would kind of socialize, but always while reading. I would try to explain to friends the concept of uniting every thought with its opposite, and when I would explain people would stare at me completely dumbfounded, but it made sense to me, that was all that mattered, and I would feel sorry for them and what they don’t know. The next facet of Thelema I decided I wanted deeply to learn, was Magick. The first practice I decided to read and potentially undertake was Liber III vel Jugorum (complete control of thought speech and action). As I was very much at a place mentally where I would be unable to undertake something requiring this amount of discipline for 3-4 weeks, and was very wary about this being the right time to be subjected to the punishments the ritual entailed. I continued reading more text, including rituals, and while I did not begin as a practitioner of Magick, I studied the rituals up and down. Eventually my friend started coming around less, and I begun using less and less meth. When my head started to clear, and I was able to sleep more, I woke up one day, began my Thelemic studies, and in that split moment understood. Crowley understood how astronomically powerful the mind is. He also knew that “reality” means something different to each person, and if you dedicated and trained your mind, anything you want can become real. Summoning is the first real experience you will have attempting this. What I realized, is that if you want to give yourself entirely to Thelema, you must be 100% willing and committed to the fact that you will also be giving your mind entirely to Thelema. Thelema is a rabbit hole. The deeper you go, the more Thelema’s text and rituals demand you abandon state of mind society would deem “sane” or “normal”. You have committed yourself to gaining as much power over your mind as possible, but then using that power to take control over your reality, the things you are able to see, feel, smell, touch. Basically, by societal definition, you are committing every ounce of yourself to making yourself go a straight jacket level of nuts. I fully believe in and humble myself no before a force that powerful, but I came to the conclusion, that I had a lot of work to do emotionally, and there was no possible way I could do the work, repair my life, and take care of myself without the ability to function and interact normally with the rest of society. So I stepped away. The beauty of Thelema, is you can practice as little or as much of the text as you want. Hell you can even practice as a philosophy. However, for people considering committing themselves 100% to Thelema, think deeply about the decision, and understand that if you fully grasp it, it’s certain that it will fundamentally change you, and your life, and you accept that the longer you are practicing, the less you will be capable of connecting with or forming relationships with the rest of the world. That’s all I got. Thanks for reading my giant rant. I’ve never shared this with anyone ✌🏼