Chapter 1: $$$ = f(garages)

As a kid, I thought the number of garages attached to a home was a direct indicator of the owner’s wealth. See there was one dude on my street who had two garages and he was a baller, the rest of us peasants had to make due with our singles.

Fast forward to today, if you take two rights out of my drive and drive for 5 minutes North, there is a house with 8 fucking garages.

Thing is, that property looks like it goes on forever, they’ve got plenty of room… why stop at 8 garages like some kinda coward? What else could you possibly put that money toward?

Chapter 2: I’ll tell you what

When you’re that stupid rich you build your own private lake, so you can put a cottage on it, so when you wanna rough it you can do so without having to drive on the highway for hours like common plebs.

Now let’s just say you’re only mildly stupid rich and need some of your friends to help fund this venture, which means filthy government gets involved in your venture, and so part of the adventure requires those fat cats to share the lake with a wild life centre or national park or I can’t remember what I was told it was cause this is only partially my story, and also it’s very likely the 8 car garage guy isn’t one of these bastards who built the lake but you try to spice up a bland story and see how much license you have to take?

Also there was a beaver.

Chapter 3: Also there was a beaver

Early days the rich people grow nervous of the beaver - he might cause their lake to flood / erupt / rise. They cannot have this.

They hire my “friend” to take care of the problem. Now I don’t know if that means they bribed a senator, knocked on the door of the government facility next door, or they wrote a strongly worded letter to someone, but they hire this dude I allegedly had beers with once to ensure beavergeddon does not come to pass.

So after work, dude puts on insulated hip waders and pulls apart the beaver damn.

The damned dam is back a few days later.

It turns into his regular gig.

Chapter 4: But it wasn’t enough

Rich people hire an indigenous person to catch the beaver.

Is that racist, is it progress, is it a good or bad thing? I just know it’s a thing and I also know it still wasn’t enough.

Chapter 5: It still wasn’t enough

2 years later!

They decide it isn’t working, and will go in another direction.

Chapter 6: My friend felt like her bf spending his nights playing hide and seek with a random beaver was impacting their relationship

She thought it was funny. She happened to be at the wild life reserve the day the replacement trapper showed up.

Chapter 7: They brought in a redneck

Redneck tells my friend:

kept the son home this year, figured there wasn’t much learnin goin on.

Dude is pumped for this job.

Chapter 8: That same night

My friend and my “friend” are making out on a fake polar bear skin rug. In front of the “fire” place. His hand strokes slowly up her outer thigh - he can feel the gentle sweat gathered, he isn’t repulsed he is delighted. He loves the imperfections of her, how her jaw clicks during desserts in autumn, how she smells when she’s nervous, how her tastes just slightly more acidic than

The redneck interrupts their romance by texting a selfie of him holding up the dead beaver.

Chapter 9: Redneck included on the text everyone from the zoo and all the rich people too

Next day a few staff members take bereavement leave.

Redneck can’t figure out why people aren’t happy.

they said trap it, no one said I couldn’t eat it.

Chapter 10: The End

Do I know if he actually ate it? No.

Wasn’t it obvious there was a whole family of beavers if they were rebuilding the damned dam over and over overnight?

The story of the beavers will continue… in 2023.

Happy New Year - stay thirsty my friends.