I'm like only my gf's gf when I'm drunk and it's I don't know.

I call myself bicurious because I'm still very confused. 95% of the time I'm straight though which complicates things. Plus my gf is trans and I worry about maybe my subconscious is transphobic when in reality I automatically gender her correctly without thinking but idfk feelings are too messy

I'm not a very physically affectionate person. I have trauma, I don't really like to be touched. My gf on the other hand really likes physical affection in a relationship.

I just feel guilty because I can only be physically affectionate when drunk. That's the only way I can tolerate physical touch without having a total breakdown. Like, if I accidentally brush hands with someone passing a pencil at school then I have to take a break for an hour and go have a mental breakdown in a bathroom or something

So when I'm around her I tend to always be at least somewhat buzzed so that I can be a good girlfriend for her. I just feel so, so guilty about it. And it's not because she's a girl, I've had to be this way for past bfs if they wanted physical intimacy. And I admit yeah I do like alcohol to an unhealthy degree for an 18 year old but I have trauma, it's how I deal with it.

Plus she doesn't want to do anything if I've even only had like one drink. I've told her while sober that she's allowed to be physical, just nothing past making out.

I just feel horrible and like I shouldn't even be in a relationship. I like her a lot, I just can't be the gf she wants. I mean we hang out sober frequently too, but even then I often carry at least a small flask. It's just difficult when she wants to be physically intimate and I do too to a degree but I just can't, touch destroys me if I'm sober due to some serious trauma. Idk I guess I'm just venting/ranting here