tw: blood, hostpitals tldr at the end

ive been really trying to stay strong but i just keep feeling like shit and guilty all the time. like, my grandfather had an ulcer for god know how long, and didnt go to the hostpital till he was literally vomitting blood. luckily he got surgery and his ulcer was patched up, but i’ve been in such a depressive state since.

i just feel so incredibly guilty about how i don’t appreciate the things he does for me. but i mean i dont think i’ve ever stopped feeling guilty tbh. my mom tells me not to let him or anyone make me feel guilty. (my moms a single parent and relys on my grandpa to help pay for my schooling and etc..) like his philosophy is “my way or the highway” and always asks me when im going to pay him back, hurry up and get a job, etc...

i feel blessed, but i just feel guilty about it. and since our semester grades came out im just afraid of disappointing not only him, but my mom too. since they’re doing everything they can to ensure i do better and i just threw it in their faces. at this point im not too sure whether im going to have a panic attack again or continue in this state. i just want to okay again, but how can i with all of this guilt.

tdlr: pretty much a rant abouty life atm... feeling like shit because grandfather was hospitalized, brings up feeling guilty about school, grades, life in general.