Now of course none of this is anything new. Everyone seems to have these same problems, but I just kinda need to vent. I have good friends, if only a few. I live in a very small town with nothing to really do, and everyone lives far apart. On top of it, I'm home schooled, so I don't get to interact with people in school, so I am not really apart of any of the social circles here. I do ballet (I'm the principle male dancer in the company) but I still don't really interact with anyone there. There's this only guy, Derek, who I joke around with sometimes, and larysaa who is like my only real friend there, but she's not always there because she's 19 and getting called all over the country to dance with other companies, so really I don't have much of anyone. I don't really feel a horrible lack of just casual friends (although having more than two people I ever hang out with would be kinda nice), it's really the fact that I feel like I need like a more romantic relationship. I see some people from the school I used to go to with relationships (and one of them is like the opposite of hygienic) and it just makes me feel so lonely. Even my asocial friend with bad mental issues and some of the worst social anxiety I've ever seen has had two relationships so far. So yeah. I didn't mention that I have social anxiety as well, so I find it nearly impossible to talk to peers of my own accord. Even the "1,2,3, fuck it, go" strategy doesn't work for me, so yeah. I don't talk to people. I can talk to adults without the same level of anxiety, but I don't like most of them because it feels like every adult in this town is a slimy fuck just out to further their own agenda. Have you guys seen jaiden's new animation about anxiety? I watched it last night, and it was funny, but it hurt to watch, because it all hit so close to home. If you haven't seen it, go watch it. It's on YouTube. Anyway, I'm derailing, kind of. This thing has been derailed from the start if I'm honest. Sometimes i make no sense. I have bad social anxiety, and confidence issues, but I'm not introverted, which is really really hard. I love being outgoing, joking, large groups, but my social anxiety just fucks all of that up. My relationship with my mom is pretty great. I'm as open with her as I am with my best friend, and he and I talk about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. At least we did, until he got sent away to a program in I think Utah to try and fix his mental problems. But now he's at a group home, and is gonna be there for who knows how long, with only letters as a form of communication with me. I think I just figured out how to simply explain my situation. People I'm already close with, I can be really close with, but everyone else intimidates me. And it sucks, because I would love to be close with all of them the same way, but yeah. Fucking stupid God damn brain. Anyway. I think that's all. I'm mean, there's more going on that's upsetting, but this is already getting pretty long, and I can't think of much else to say on this specific topic. If you read this, even just a bit of it, thank you. :)