As a young child I used to be super happy and cheerful, I wasn't shy and I talked to everyone (literally, everyone. Even strangers in public). But as I got older I became much quieter and reserved, I became doubtful and worried... I became depressed.

The depression started creeping up on me around 7-8 years of age, I barely had any friends and I'd be bullied all the time. I'd come home, cry and wonder what was so wrong with me. I'd slowly slip away and avoid talking to people because I was afraid.

Since third grade, I have been living in the never ending spiral of depression. Eight years later I still don't have many friends, but this time, I don't even exist. I go to school feeling like I'm not really there. I watch people hang out and have lots of fun, envying them because I know I'll never experience that. I just watch everything around me like I'm looking out of my bedroom window. I do not feel like an active participant in the journey of life. I'm living in my own world filled with judgement, sadness, and darkness.

I absolutely hate myself. I cannot imagine how my parents must feel with me as their child. I wouldn't be surprised if I ever overheard them saying I was a mistake (they are great people so they would never actually say that, but with me as a daughter, there is an exception). I am too picky, annoying, emotional and just a handful in general. I have mood swings and sometimes I can get angry over the smallest things. Sometimes I'm crying for no reason. I feel like I am burdening my family and that they would've been happier had I not been born.

Most mornings I wake up feeling like I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to start my depression filled day. I want to sleep through the days and just escape from myself. I feel hopeless and cannot think forward in a positive manner. Every day I replay past events in my mind, thinking about what could have been.

Anytime I feel positive emotions, I know it is only for a brief moment. Whatever has managed me make me happy is gonna disappear and I will go back to hating my life, the same old.

I look at myself from a stranger's point of view and I see a young, troubled girl. I see that she carries so many feelings on her shoulders, that it is literally weighing her down. In her, I see too much fear and hesitation. I see zero confidence and security. I see so much sadness and no happiness. In her mind live millions of negative thoughts and problems that don't even exist. In her eyes, I see someone dying inside waiting to escape. Watching her live like this is depressing.

In May 2016, I saw a doctor who prescribed me 10 mg Cipralex which worked for a brief moment. Then my old patterns slowly started running after me, at which point I just couldn't continue running and hiding from them much longer. Eventually, I stopped altogether and let it consume me. After that, the antidepressants stopped working. The thoughts and feelings were just weaker and didn't have as strong an impact as before.

In September 2016 my dose increased to 20 mg. The first few weeks were disastrous. I felt even more depressed and was super irritable. I felt more tired and demotivated than usual. I felt so many things that I was just numb. My mind was just a dark void. I was living in a body fighting to stay alive against a mind that was trying to die.

I am a slave to the saboteur living in my mind. I am chained down to the ground, unable to move freely. I am as lonely as a ghost. But most of all, I am depressed.