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I end the day more angry and unsatisfied. Every time I want to feel accomplished there's already another little task lined up. Every little responsibility just links to other bigger responsibilities and it just keeps getting more and more expansive, like a mandelbrot. I'm tired of chasing all these little things around. Yet I have never felt less productive than I do now. I feel like I am rotting and passive. My screentime is absolutely ridiculous, even after deleting Instagram and tik tok (5 or 6 hours). My weight has gone up and my beauty is already fading. I feel used up, like my life has been lived and now I'm in some kind of purgatory punishment. In a way, I kind of am. All my friends have said their goodbyes. It's just gonna be a few lonely months of filling out all those college forms, being always behind and feeling perpetual guilt for it. I want to go outside so bad but there's nothing I can do. Aforementioned, my body is rotting but exercise is so humiliating so unsatisfying. When I do it I take more effort into denying how weak I am, into pretending I am finding purpose in this, than actually exercising. The things I'm bad at are embarrassing and the things I'm good at are exhausting. There is nowhere I can go, no way to meaningfully entertain myself that I do not feel guilty or bored of eventually. I need someone to tell me what to do and to do it with me. Pleasant things like making lemonade and stargazing and playing board games and making jewelry and playing odd variations of catch and whatnot. Everyday I want to wake up and know I'm doing something I will remember and that I won't feel guilty for. I don't ever think I've had someone to hang out with everyday. Doesn't have to be the same someone. I can not get that close to someone in two months though, that is not fair to them, and near impossible with my social skills. I need guidance and purpose but I have no license, no money, and worst of all no independence. I can not enjoy myself until I have all I need to do done, that ever-expanding web of things to do. I wonder how long I will be caught in it, if I will ever live a real life.
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- 4 months ago
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Thank you user Schrodingers_Femboi. Glad to see it resonated with you.