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Waiting on my horrible eval tomorrow.
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What a year it has been. I know I’m getting a bad evaluation. I’ve already been told that. I am frustrated and upset with myself, but honestly, if I could have done a good job, I would have. As much as I hate that I failed and let people down; I did the best I could with the circumstances I had. This was my 7th year teaching emotional support. I was already burned out and planning to move to another position as soon as I could. Then...Covid. Between having a heart issue and being terrified of Covid when it first happened, I had to force myself to go back to school in August. On top of that, the whole some students face to face, some hybrid, some cyber was insane. Then in September, I lost everything including my emotional support cat in a house fire. I almost died. I was on a ventilator for 4 days and in the hospital for 6. I went back to school in December. I had massive anxiety attacks every day, multiple times per day. Any bit of stress was causing them. I was diagnosed with PTSD and pulled out of school for 5 more weeks. School thinks the person they had covering for me is God. My students say she did a lot of their work for them and had them put their names on it. Other staff say she bribed them to do anything they did. I was not able to get them back on track fully. I go into work everyday wondering what I didn’t do correctly today. I feel like I’m under a microscope. I’m just trying to get through the last few days. I told my boss I couldn’t handle emotional support anymore. I needed a change. They are moving me to autistic support, which I’ve done before and was very good at. However, admin keeps telling me they have concerns based on my performance this year. I am well aware I have failed this year. I didn’t have anything left to put into it. I just need to move on from this hellacious year. I’m going to struggle to do that knowing that people think I am going to fail. I’m told I’ll be put on an improvement plan to start next year. I’m not horribly in disagreement with that considering this year. However, I was not given any documentation of observations this year. Zero have been done in my room. I agree that this year has been a shit show for me, but I feel like if you’re going to put someone on an improvement plan you should have the data to back that up. I have always been told I am great at my job and have gotten good evaluations. This is all a huge bruise to my ego on top of being upset with myself for not being ABLE to do the job I always have in the past. I guess I’m just venting. How do I get past this feeling of failure, past this feeling of people waiting for me to fail, so that I can go into my new position (that I’m really excited about) with a positive mindset and ready to give it my all.

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3 years ago