Too exhausted to go into detail. But tonight marked the end of a fwb relationship riddled with red flags. It was messy and ended with the cops, but I’m glad to finally have washed my hands of this man. My logical kept seeing the constant red flags, and beyond the the clashes in our personalities, but the fucked up part of my brain didn’t want to be alone. I had a baby 6 months ago and I’ve been doing it mostly alone and I’ve kept up this fwb because for whatever obvious-to-everyone-but-me reasons I am terrified of being alone and facing motherhood full-on. I have felt negatively about this hookup for some time, and several weeks ago he saw a previous post of mine in this sub and reacted negatively, and no longer wanted to see me. When he came to retrieve he AC unit lent to me, I took it “too graciously” in his words, but in reality it was one of those times where the job did itself at the right time. He told me I looked good, he brought the AC back over under the guise of “not wanting my infant to suffer” and allowed me to reject him when he tried to kiss me as we carried it back up to my apartment. So when he then texted me “i want more of your time, just hanging out and cuddles” I decided it wasn’t worse than crying alone while my baby watches tv all day. The sex was good enough to sustain the hookup despite my inside voice telling me he was no good and getting worse. and I was and still am terrified that this is the last time that anyone will view me as worth spending time with when we aren’t having sex. I think about “I love my daughter, so why is it so hard for me to devote all of my efforts to her? This is what I have always wanted. Why is it so hard for me to accept a period of being alone and use as an opportunity to devote more effort to her?”

Anyway, just had to get that off my chest because near-zero support system, not sure if these posts are allowed but if you read this far thanks lol