So when I was 25 it came out that my father had a 6 year affair with another woman. I can understand why people cheat. I just can’t wrap my head around how he did it. I feel disgusted by him by how brazen, rash and egotistical he was about it.

He’s literally invite this woman out to dinner with my mom and I. Brought her into our family. My mind goes blank. I literally can not understand how two people could sit next to two people and do all of this. As a man now, how does one in their chests do this? To not keep things separate? To not even try to respect the integrity of his “family”.

My father didn’t lose a son because he cheated. He lost a son because he had no boundaries around it. It gives me the shakes thinking about the selfishness. The arrogance, the manipulation. What sort of monster does this? It took me years to sort through it but when I realized how broken and tainted my family was growing up, and seeing my father for who he is, my vision goes black.

I sometimes get so much anger, I shame him. More so he can never come back in my life. I try to push him away, i have changed my last name, disinherited myself. Anything to prove to myself and my mother that is not the way. I have seen what betrayal does to a mother, to myself. It’s a break that lasts. It never changes. It is hell.

I must work on my anger to not live clouded by this curse. I am still angry because I feel like I have to protect myself. I wish he was dead. I do not trust him, like knowing a tiger still lurks in the forest. He wants to be in my life, because he’a an entertainer he has access to many people in the city. Strangers know about me. His reach is large. He wants what he had. Because I don’t think he wants to accept who he is, he hurts people by lying and controlling them with money. I keep trying to show him that the son he had is dead. He killed him. Maybe I must die in a way. How does one erase the pain of betrayal?

Any advice?