I've posted more than I care to admit in the past month. Every day has brought a new upsetting discovery. First it was an emotional affair. Then it was that he hadn't been divorced a year when we met. Then it was that he kept in touch with an old sex partner. Then it was that someone he called a friend was a former sex partner. Then it was that he cheated on his ex. Then it was OnlyFans. Then it was KiK. Then it was never going a week since we knew eachother without talking to some other woman. Then it was buying socks and panties online and requesting custom vulgar videos. Then it was having a horrible reddit account he used to cheat on his ex. Then it was having a horrible account he used to cheat on me and that he had been cheating the whole time. Then it was that he cheated using his normal reddit account too. Then it was that he met a prostitute at a hotel two different times while I was home recovering from a miscarriage but "didn't go in to a room". Then it was that "he did go in to the room, but didn't have sex" once he knew I'd see the security tape.

I feel like one of those cliche abuse victims people feel sorry for. "Why does she keep putting herself through this?" I'm pathetic. I'm embarrassed for myself. I am a broken version of the woman I was before I encountered this human tornado of emotional devistation.

I keep making excuses for him and trying to set him up to come clean about things. I create a safe space for him to tell the truth and he still lies. I tell him I need this to feel better and I beg him through tears to please help me and just come clean. I listen to him insist he can be the man I deserve and that he loves me. I listen to him promise this is the truth. I discover more lies.

He lies. He lies again. He tells me he doesn't feel backed into a corner and is being truthful now. He lies again. He restricts my access. Controls when I can go no contact and what I can see, when. He's never honest. He's never been forthcoming except on accident (like by not knowing I could access messages he thought he deleted).

He says triggering things that spiral me into a panic attack so that he can swoop in and drive here to give me a hug. He pushes buttons until I go into survival mode and lash out and say something I regret. I become the abuser; I'm the monster that's never loved him and he can't believe how horrible I am. He's the victim.

He says he has a mental illness. He says he loves me. He says none of this was personal. He says he promises he's willing to do whatever it takes to help me get through this.

He lies again.

I'm struggling with no contact and have been considering some phrases I know from having family members in AA.

"I can't [drink] again or I'll end up dead or worse."

"I need to admit I am powerless against [alcohol] and my life has become unmanageable"

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

If I continue to let Josh manipulate and influence my life, I'm going to wind up dead or worse. I am powerless against the emotional trauma from my past AND the very severe new trauma he's caused and the way I'm living my life right now, obsessing, not sleeping or eating, and begging and trying to help someone who doesn't give a single fuck about me is unmanageable. I keep hoping he'll do the right thing and he hasn't since 7/20/19. It's literally insane to think he'd start doing the right thing now.

This is my cry for help. I need to stop. I want to stop. I want to get better.