So yesterday was a milestone in my saga with my WS. over the past week he had been spending time with a previous love interest. He had told me from the day we met that this person was "just a friend" and insisted they had zero history of sex or sexual attraction.

At some point during our relationship, before we got married, the way he portrayed this friendship made me feel like it was inappropriate. I said I wanted to meet this person so that I could assess myself what their intentions were. He indicated that she declined, which made him realize she wasn't that good of a friend. They stopped talking (or so I thought).

Fast forward through 364 days of marriage - I find out about his intense four month EA, and then over the course of a month I learn about the extent of his lies. OnlyFans transactions starting 3 days after the wedding. Giving money to old cam girls WITHOUT them exchanging goods or services, financial issues that were never talked about, and the fact that he lied about being divorced when we started dating (his divorce wasn't even filed until I met his kids and wife, and it was only finalized two months before we got married).

Every day for the last month I've been blindsided with something new and sad. I noticed a blog post that lead me to believe my husband was spending time with a woman. I reached out and found out it was this person from his past. As part of our reconciliation promise, we both agreed to have no contact with past partners or love interests. This person's name was SPECIFICALLY mentioned.

I confront him about him breaking his first promise. I tell him how much it hurts me. His excuse seems invalid to me (she's a therapist and he needed help finding a therapist). He insists he showed up at her house and she was there with her boyfriend and that they just talked and she gave him some advice. He admits he was there twice, but that he was never with her there alone.

I tell him I want her number so I can find her Facebook and validate she has a boyfriend. I tell him he needs to reach out to her and tell her that she made a promise not to see or talk to her and by going there, he broke that promise. I ask for a screen shot of the message. The number he gives me is wrong. The next morning I confront him and he says he must have messed it up on accident. He sends me a screen shot of his conversation. He has clearly deleted messages from it.

He tells me this person clearly doesn't want to be reached out to. I reach out. I'm responded to with immediate kindness and support. This woman and I spent over two hours on the phone and compare stories. I learn that she and I have similar trauma. I learn that the opportunity we had to meet was turned down by him, not her. I learn they had sex and were sexually flirtatious for three months before she confronted him, saying if there was no emotional connection at that point she had to bail. I learn how he texted her the whole time we were together.

I also learn that she has no boyfriend. He was there alone with her. He asked if he could stay there because he had no place to go. He only told her partial truths about his infidelity and lied about me. The conversation history he deleted messages from shows him painting me as a psycho and telling her not to engage if I reach out because I'm just going to freak out on her. It also shows her saying repeatedly that he needs to come clean with me and that I should reach out to her so she can talk to me.

While I did freak out on my husband on initially figuring out he was over there (before I knew for sure about the sex), I went about it the following day totally differently. I was calm. I asked if he wanted to tell me anything. I was patient. I said "it's safe to tell me the truth, it will rebuild trust, which we desperately need". He swears up and down that there are no other lies. I mention the deleted messages. I hint that I know there's something else but that I'll let him tell me in his own time.

He admits (partially) that there was no boyfriend. He says he was there alone with her. I ask if they had sex at ANY point before then. He says no. I'm visibly hurt. I get frustrated and he says "I thought you meant in the last two times I saw her". He tries to paint her as someone who is vindictive because he scorned her. I tell him we talked for hours and the proof I have is texts. I tell him she knew all of the intimate details he shared with cam girls but couldn't share with me (even though I'm totally open minded in bed and have done all of these things with him before). He only admits things when there's irrefutable truth.

I ask why he didn't come clean. He blames me and said I screamed at him when I found out he went over there. He says he didn't want to get yelled at and thought things were going well because he wasn't being confronted. I ask why he didn't take the opportunity to tell me during our calm conversations or during my begging for any other truths he might have that could've helped me get SOME type of trust. He just says the same thing. 'He thought when I asked about sex that he meant just those two nights" "he forgot he deleted some messages that changed the conversation with her entirely" "he didn't want me to be mad that he was there alone with her".

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. But... at this point... sadly, I'm not surprised. I tried with this one. I hoped so hard he'd do the right thing. It was such a great opportunity to change things and start over. It was a big lie that could've showed potential for big growth.

I'm disappointed, but not surprised.