394 days since she left. 465 since I found out about her affair.

Whats it like to lose your family? Whats it like to lose the one thing you wanted most in life since you were a child? How does it feel knowing it was lost due to infedility? That he is sitting with your family on a holiday weekend enjoying your family that he took from you. How can one describe how that feels?

Since before she left, I knew she was having an affair. I knew it for months, and we fought long and hard about it. I have felt like this everday since before she left.

How does it feel?

You wake up at 2am, your heart is racing and in the pit of your stomach is a feeling of absolute dread. Your nerves are shot so you find yourself a little weary. The feeling of dread does not dissipate, and you know it won't. You look next to you to find an empty space on the bed, she isn't there you have no source of comfort. You focus instead on your surroundings in your dark room.

The outline of the TV on the wall, the outline of the dresser. The light seeping through the bedroom door from the bathroom. Which you still leave on so your little one isn't scared in the dark even though she isn't here anymore. You focus on the shadows on the ceiling, the walls, trying to make sense of the shapes they form. You hear the wind in the leaves on the tree outside your window. You do this until you find yourself staring at the wall, thinking about nothing other than trying to will this feeling of dread away.

Your alarm goes off and it's time to get up for work. You force yourself out of bed and look in the mirror. Here you don't have to put on a happy face. A sad, lonely, broken, depressed man looks back at you. You look away and get your work clothes ready. You brush your teeth, shave, make your lunch and head out the door.

The sun is blinding since you're so exhausted. You put one foot in front of the other, and just go. You drive to work, you sit in the break area and you put on a happy face for everyone. You go to work, and deal with the stresses of the workday, all the while feeling this feeling of absolute dread. You deal with the politics, the bullshit, the defects... but often times you find yourself leaning on your workbench squeezing the edge with your hands with all your might while staring into the distance to release this stress, to no avail.

The only peace you find is on your drive home. Rush hour doesn't bother you, traffic doesn't bother you, its peaceful. But you dread coming home, turning the key and unlocking your door.

Instead of opening the door to the sound of childrens music, the smell of dinner being made, and a toddler running to the door yelling "DADDDYYYY" and jumping into your arms. You are met with complete silence. Toys still on the floor which you can't bring yourself to clean up. The feeling of dread intensifies. You hesitate to step through the door, but you do anyways.

You make yourself dinner, everyday. Some days it would be nice to come home to a home cooked meal but those days are over. Someone else gets to enioy that now. The feeling of dread intensifies even more, and your nerves become more weary. You get in the shower, clean yourself up. But you lean forward with your forehead against the wall supporting yourself with your arm, looking down. And just stand there. You hope that somehow the shower will wash this feeling of dread away, but it doesn't..

You get out of the shower, dry yourself up and climb into bed. An empty bed. There will be no telling stories, reading stories, or tucking anyone into bed tonight. Someone else gets to do that now. You turn the TV on for background noise, and browse tumblr or reddit on your phone just to try and switch off your brain. Eventually, exhaustion takes over so you turn your phone off to fall asleep.

Except you don't sleep, the feeling of dread intensifies and sleep becomes elusive. So you roll over this way, you roll over that way, you adjust your fan, your pillows, your blankets until you eventually give up and lay sideways, holding a pillow in the fetal position and staring at the empty space in the bed next to you. The silence is deafening, increasing this feeling of dread.

It is now midnight, you close your eyes.

You wake up, its 2am....

Day 394 and counting