Hi all,

Original story here

First of all I want to thank everyone who gave me advice and have been supporting me on this journey. Without this support I genuinely don't know what I would have done to myself, it has been incredibly helpful and I cannot express how thankful I am.

I has been around 3 weeks since my original post and about a month since DDAY. I am definitely feeling better but I have a long way to go before I will move on. The first two weeks were the worst, I was unable to sleep, unable to eat or leave my bed. I am a relatively light person but I still lost 11 lbs from this experience. I think the hardest part of the everything was the no contact. I spent every waking second of my time thinking of ways to justify why she did everything and trying to find excuses for her. I kept telling myself not to message her first and if she wants to apologize she will. I obviously wouldn't forgive her but it would give me some closure. To anyone who is new to this experience, everyone is right, no contact is the most important part. I should have blocked her as soon as it happened. Keeping her unblocked and not receiving texts from her for days and weeks just hurt me more because I knew she wasn't even attempting to apologize which hurt so much more. She eventually did text me though and that is when I made a mistake.

She told me she had something important to talk about so we called. At first I was telling myself not to let her off the hook and to stand firm and all that. But not even 10 minutes into our call I had broken down, it just felt so good talking to her again that the COMPLETE BULLSHIT apology she gave me was enough. I had accepted her terrible apology and started talking to her as if nothing had happened, we caught up and talked for over an hour. It just felt like a giant rock was lifted off of me and everything was okay again. This just restarted my entire cycle once the call was over. Once my high of talking to her again was over I realized it just put me back to step 1. 2 weeks or so of progress completely gone. It was at this point my friends told me I needed to block her. It was still incredibly hard but I did it because it was taking too much of a mental toll on me. It was extra hard for a couple days because I had blocked my last bit of contact with her but then it started to get better, whether she decides to text me or apologize to me or not doesn't matter because I wouldn't know, and that put me at a little ease. I did however find out that the guy she cheated on me with, she had started dating.

I have these nightmares and anxiety attacks throughout the day someone close to me referred to as ghosts. It came to the point where even 3 weeks after DDAY, I still couldnt sleep more than 3 hours a night without waking up from a ghost and not being able to fall back asleep. These ghosts were either good memories of us together, or reliving the moment of realization that she was cheating on me, or picturing her and her new bf being intimate. It felt like my body was running completely on adrenaline. I was completely sleep deprived but unable to sleep at all. I eventually started going to counseling and the doctors because I originally I guess had too much pride in myself and did not want to admit to myself that it was so bad i needed professional help. But at this point I knew I needed it. Counseling has been extremely helpful and the doctors prescribed anti anxiety medication for me.

This post is quite lengthy already, but I guess anyone who is starting their healing, it will get better. It is a hard journey but you learn a lot about yourself and your values through it. I dont wish this pain upon anyone, not even my worst enemies, but you do learn a lot of things about yourself and mature in a way I think one wouldn't be able to otherwise. Something I need some advice on though is what is the appropriate amount to think about her. When I think of her I no longer break down completely, I am able to suppress my thought of her and focus on my task at hand. However if I do this too often then some days all the buildup will explode and I will have a bad anxiety attack. Whats the healthy balance between suppressing feelings and letting them out because I don’t want to suppress them constantly, that can’t be healthy, but I also can’t constantly let them out because even if my friends are here to support me, I dont want to be depressed around them 24/7 because of this. Just knowing that she is officially with this new guy has made the emotions a little more wild. Knowing the person I was 100% vulnerable with and trusted 100% turned it all around, this person who I thought I was gonna marry and had plans with is now being intimate with another guy so soon after me.

Sorry if this post is long and sloppy, I just wrote it on a whim thinking that I should write an update.