Hey, I’ve been lurking in here for quite a while and I’m just frustrated. I don’t need to get into the fine details but Dday was November 7 2019. I found the details of an affair that had been going on for about 9 months. It was a complete and utter shock that my soon to be exwife was capable of and actually had an affair. I don’t know if she had any other affairs, even though she swears up and down she never did. That trust was broken and later I realized, irrevocably.

I tried working on my marriage. And I feel she put it genuine effort and tried to make amends. But I got to the point where I had a love/hate relationship with going home after work. I loved seeing my kids and being dad but I hated having to look at her. Every time I saw her I was reminded of her true character. The pangs of panic that would come randomly were almost debilitating.

I remember when I realized I was out. It was nothing she said or did after the affair that put me on that tract. I remember driving home one day once again just trying to keep it together. I thought to myself why am I still suffering so much. This was literal years after the fact. Then I had a thought experiment. What if I stopped trying so hard? What if I started to distance myself? Would things improve? So I did. Within just a few weeks of making the conscious decision to distance myself from my wife emotionally, mentally, and physically (when able), I was doing a lot better. That’s when I knew my marriage was over and I had to find a way to move on.

Obviously, “moving on” is different for everyone and is a journey. Now I’m going through a divorce. It’s been hard emotionally as well as financially. The worst of it is seeing how this has affected my children. I hope I’ve done my best to reassure them but it was always going to suck for them.

I’ve been very intentional at a number of things through this. First, I’ve never put-down my kids’ mother in front of them. Being a mother and being a wife are obviously interconnected but you can be good at one and bad at the other. Second, I’ve never told my children that their mother had an affair. I don’t want to destroy their relationship. Third, even though I was tempted I never had a revenge affair or cheated on her. I couldn’t imagine doing that before DDay. Afterwards, I didn’t see how that would make the situation any better. I wanted to keep my integrity intact. I’m really grateful that I chose this route.

The logistics of restarting my life is daunting at times. But I’m figuring it out. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful even if it’s clouded by uncertainty. I didn’t think I would really want to date again but I’ve been talking to a woman recently and we’ve really hit it off. I look forward to seeing her and hearing about her. My heart flutters and it’s so wonderful to know that I can move on. I started this post just looking to vent. And it has been cathartic but I’m actually doing better than I thought.