So I will try to make this as short as possible.

Years ago I got with my first boyfriend. Took my V card and everything when I was 18. Went great for 3 years. Found out he cheats. He slept with my best friend. We broke up.

I met someone else and married him. 10 years later he passed away.

After that I met back up with the first boyfriend again. Things were great at first. He was still obsessed with his ex before me. He cheated on me with her 2 months in. We reconciled and did therapy. Got back together. Shit was going good for over a year. Then I felt him sinking and pulling away. We broke up. Turns out he was sleeping with the ex again.

Then, stupidly we started talking again and having adult fun. Then decided to do like an open relationship/swinger type thing. That was exciting at first. It was built on complete honesty. Then he started pulling back again 2 months in and I started getting that gut/paranoia feeling again. I went into a dark mental place again and went nuts. I’ve been paranoid and feeling like he is hiding something again. Just a feeling I have. We talked about it tonight and we decided I am never going to trust him and it’s not gonna work. He doesn’t want a relationship but wanted to do relationship things together which I cannot wrap my head around. It’s like he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. I just need to do better for my mental health but god it hurts so bad to let him go because we have a huge history and I do love him so much.