I initially went on SA because I needed companionship, and I was broke. I kept downloading the dating apps, looking at potential matches, having some half-assed conversations, and then deleting or ignoring the apps. But I couldn’t stop feeling guilty that I couldn’t pay my own way through the bullshit filtering process that is Bumble. You meet a guy, talk to a guy, go out to dinner with a guy, that’s at least $25 if we go dutch, $50 if I’m the one who asks him out. So I decided to skip all of that and see if anyone wanted to date me and pay for dinner.

I found something completely different.

I found a man who is actually interested in me. In me, in my story, my self, my journey of discovery of who that self is. I pretty much went from home to college to living with my ex husband, never really experiencing the world much on my own. My identity was completely wrapped up in being a housewife. And I loved that! (I still do, I’m just a housewife to myself now). I don’t really know who I am by myself yet.

But after meeting him, I’m beginning to rediscover aspects of myself that I had long forgotten, or intentionally buried for the sake of my ex, and who I was before. I’m picking up old hobbies and dusting them off, trying them out. I’m cooking and cleaning regularly, I’m on medication for my depression, and eating healthily. I’m sober and I’ve quit smoking.

I’m rediscovering JOY! I get so happy about flowers, or the dog on my commute, or my new hair. I’m on a journey of self improvement that is so exciting it feels like a whirlwind. Even though I was beginning to work on these things before I met him, I would not have been able to maintain the momentum on my own, without someone to back me up and tell me they have faith in me. I needed someone to provide emotional stability for me (and buying me groceries helped lol), so that I could devote more energy to becoming healthier.

I still haven’t figured out how I’m supporting him, though. I listen, but my feedback is irrelevant and he is definitely not the type to ONLY want sex. But because I listen, I’m sure I’ll figure it out in time…I just hope I can do it soon! He’s damn near perfect in every way haha…I’m surprised no one has snapped him up already. We’re such a good match intellectually, too, so that’s incredibly fun! I don’t want to share any personal information but trust me, he’s amazing.

So who knows where this will end up, or who I will become. I’m excited to be along for the ride!

And it turns out I’m a submissive and love getting my ass fucked, who knew? ¯\(ツ)/¯