Just a bit of self ranting. Yes, I crashed hard with my last SB, much harder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be only our SR ending when I moved back to my home country, we still had plans for the future, but I did not anticipate losing our friendship as well. I still dont want to believe it all meant nothing.

But how did that thing even happen? I thought about it and maybe its not that surprising.... two years ago when I moved to that crazy city-state, work was mayhem, nothing worked well, family was unhappy there too coz of all the uncertainty, so I had the choice between taking shit at work or taking shit at home. I tried as much as I could to be positive in both, but ultimately I need some support of my own..... with no real other friends in that place I found perfection. Not just beautiful and sexy, but attentive, uncovering and reviving things in me that I have long forgotten and buried, I started new hobbies, read up on new things, we encouraged each other to try new things. For the entire last year, she was outside of the family my only go to person, my only friend to talk about things, we met every week, week after week.... no surprise she became in my head an integral part of my life, a drug to me....

I wouldnt even care about the lies, I want her back so bad. I know I crossed a boundary there, but why do I still feel guilty for all this? My brain knows I am right and my heart wants to ignore the facts and give her a pass... But its not going to happen, the deed is done, bridges are likely burnt, I havent heard from her in days and I am in "cold turkey" recovery and it sucks ass.... I lost a dear friend.