Dear the wonderful women of Venezuela and Colombia,

Thank you! Or should I say gracias (lo sientio, pero mi Spanglish es muy gringo)? Thank you for making each and every morning by filling up my inbox with so many loving messages. Forty-nine new messages today? I definitely am feeling the amor.

I'd love to respond to each and every one of you - that's the gentlemanly thing to do - but I just can't keep pace with you all and so I thought I'd provide a blanket message to all the lovely ladies of South America.

First and foremost ... of course I would love to be your papi and the papi to your four children. Most of the girls in the US wait until at least the third date before they talk about being a single mom, but putting it out there in the first sentence of a Seeking message? That's putting familia first. 👊

Second. Yes. I will absolutely pay for the cosmetic procedure. It looks like you've already sprung for the BBL, but I'm all for the BBBBL look.

Third. No. The neck tattoo doesn't bother me at all.

Fourth, did anybody ever tell you that you look like Ana de Armas? I could swear your fourth picture looks like a still from Knives Out.

Unfortunately, I have to decline your invitation to allow me to fly you to Miami because I don't have a crypto wallet to send Bitcoin to your brother-in-law (that's the guy taking the pictures of you that's clearly visible in the mirror, right?) to watch over your kids while you fly up so I can experience a life-changing weekend.

Regrettably moving on.

Your king,

Papi Azucar